• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: hopeless

Unite the village for the children!

As I type my stomach is cramping in ways I didn’t know it could. I have gotten stomach pains before but this is a bit alarming. But never fear my wonderful driver got me some medicine this morning and I pray it improves. My new friend at the guest house found me ear drops and now i am hopeful the pain will stop.

Another blessing is Teacher sara is on her way no bus right now to come see me for the weekend. Hallelujah a friend!
What else can i be thankful for? um… um…I’m safe in a locked room and the staff are very nice to me. I even have arranged to take the cleaning lady from here to help me twice a week at my apartment (whenever i can even move in that is).
I also took a hot shower so that’s another plus!
Ministry side I met with the parents today at there annual meeting at the school (5 hours sitting in a plastic chair in front of everyone). It was ‘interesting’. I had to set a few things straight with the parents that I wasn’t sponsoring all there children. They had the impression I was since last time I took photos of there kids (another reason why to be cautious of photographing in the village). I was the last of the official guests to do a speech (they are big on speeches here). My stomach was near death by the time i stood under the mango tree and threatening thunderstorm. I held my bible and thought I would read from it about God trusting you with a little before giving you more but I ended up spouting out a bunch of stern words and moving my arms around passionately. I think by now they know I am not here with lots of money and that I am here for there kids and to encourage them to work hard and that they should all pay there child’s school fees and to not expect handouts. Yes, healing eyes is helping with 30 of the orphans/disabled/hiv kids but not all the kids who have parents that can work. It’s hard not to help all of them since they are struggling in poverty but money isn’t always the answer I told them. God will trust them with a little and then if they are faithful God will trust more. Sadly other white people with good intentions have caused Africans in the village to think we mean money and will fix there problems with handouts. It can be easier to just give money to fix an issue without putting long term investment in the people trying to help themselves.
Right about now a short easy fix of throwing money sounds nice as I am already homesick and lonely but I can’t give up now. The culture here won’t change in my lifetime but we have to start somewhere! Small seeds for change.
It did feel a bit like a united village at the end of the meeting. John wanted me to portray that feeling of Unity..to Unite a village to help themselves he said. Felt like a speech before going to war in the Braveheart movie really, my arms in the air yelling for change and courage to persevere during suffering.

Healing Eyes

I woke up in a sweat last night from a terrible nightmare. Andy was in the hospital and I went to find him but I couldn’t, no one knew where he was. So i insisted he was in ICU and that was where I left him. Finally he magically appeared. Sadly he looked awful…his head was tilted up and he had a oxygen mask on. His eyes were wet from tears and his face was contorted oddly. He had wires hooked up all over him and was was groaning in pain. The smell of the hospital was all over me, suffocating me in my sleep, a smell of hospital gowns and chlorine. The lights were bright and he was in a room with several other patients.. it felt so humiliating seeing Andy stripped down to nothing as if he was just a number in a line of sick hospital beds.

I held his hand tightly and cried, “I love you! I love you!”. Andy replied saying he loved me too, over and over we said these words. I told him please don’t go.. please don’t leave me..please stay.. over and over I begged him. He was laying on his side and crying with me crying over his shoulder. The nurse came in and prepared some pain drugs, it was a very large cocktail and I asked lots of questions about why so much and what they were. One of the drugs was a hippopotamus tranquilizer (why I don’t know).

Slowly the nurse pushed the drugs into his IV and Andy convulsed and slowly calmed down. Slowly he drifted off and his eyes died all over again. Over and over I see his eyes die in my dreams. At one point he crawled out of his bed and had no arms or legs. The nurse quickly scooped him up as if he was a baby and slammed him back in the bed. She yelled at me saying you have to keep him in that bed otherwise his IV lines will come out. I stared at Andy and cried, screamed for him to stay, Don’t leave me!!!

Then I woke up!

Back to reality of where I was. In a room in someone else’s bed wondering why am I here. Why the hell am I here? I am miles away from the familiar and alone in my bed. Andy is not there to comfort me after a nightmare…he can’t hold me or stroke my hair. Nevermore will he be and nevermore will I hear his voice. You can’t just erase 13 years of companionship, it stays with you like a ghost in the room. Quietly sleeping in my shadow until something stirs it and it suffocates me with its misery.

Sleep Andy.. and haunt my dreams no more. Speak softly to me with encouragement but please take those hospital memories away! Your agony and feeling of desperation of doing nothing to save you. I was helpless to save you. I failed you as a caretaker…that feeling of guilt will never go. I know it’s normal to feel this way but others out there must know they aren’t alone! There has to be a way to have peace about watching someone die and being helpless to stop it.

 

Healing Eyes
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