• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: infertility

The mind can be a prison to our thoughts

I feel trapped …

between my way of control and my invisible friend’s version of life.

I feel trapped between the world’s way of living and my invisible friend’s way of living in the world.

I feel trapped by my willingness to go and the uncertainty placed before me of ‘norms’ of this life.

Fear of putting too much of what I have to live on into an unthinkable direction in life. In the ‘Widow’s Offering‘ it doesn’t mention the fear she must have felt as she put the last very small copper coins into the offering. Will I resort to that? Will my days dwindle down to the last 2 pennies I have left from Andy be put towards living beyond what we comprehend as ‘Ok standard of living’…

I came to this island to heal a year ago..I met many different people. Learned I could love again. Learned to love me as Sarah only. Found meaning in life again…had many adventures. Now my next adventure begins and I must give up things, people, and safety to travel far and see the worst mankind has to offer. Send a widow to the wolves more prepared for trials to build a life once shattered by loss. “Sing barren Woman! More are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband.”


Fundraising Goal for Kenya Tutoring and Exploratory Mission Trip..only $377 to go by May 19!!!

The goal of this upcoming trip is to Tutor orphans but also seek out where I will land next…is it the land this other organization had donated to them by the government? Is that where the Home for Neglected kids is to be built? Is this another step closer to serving long term in Africa? Who knows…BUT it’s a step to take!!!

Donate Button with Credit CardsHealing Eyes is a 501c(3) Non-Profit Organization based in Western Michigan. If you would like to partner with us on a one time or monthly basis, please make your checks payable to Healing Eyes, Inc. and mail to 4160 Blue Heron DR SE, Apt 302, Kentwood, MI 49512. All donations are tax deductible and a statement will be mailed to you for your records. Thank you. If you don’t have a PayPal Account Don’t Worry it’s not required  look to the bottom left side after clicking the Donate button, where it says “Don’t have a PayPal Account”.

Healing Eyes

VBS continues

What if all that we do each day is pointless?

What if the little things could add up to more?

As much as I don’t want to refer back to me and Andy’s days trying to have kids it seems something I can’t avoid. We tried for over 8 years to have a baby and failed miserably at it. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be and making the choice to stop is a hard one. We invested so much time and money into making a family that it became a mission almost.

Now I am almost done with my first week teaching kids at VBS. Whatever would Andy think of all this? I can’t even imagine since I can’t remember ever seeing Andy play with kids. Deep down he wanted a child but I think to not hurt me he tried to downplay it. We talked one night about how if we were to try adopting we would never have a mini Andy running around. We weighed the pros and cons of that and decided to give up the ‘natural’ way of having a family. When Andy got sick we were almost thankful we never succeeded at children. We still talked once and awhile about how if he was gone that there would be no living legacy of him. I would be left alone and no little version of Andy would be around to comfort me.

Yesterday I was feeling sick but I still started setting up the classroom with the color sheets and crayons. Sitting in the tiny kid chair reading the lesson plan and feeling sad. Then a little kid snuck in and said Hi to me and wanted to see what sneaky stuff I was up to. I told her she’s too early and needed to go eat her food. She said ok but before she left she asked me, “Can I give you a hug first?”

Was that Andy? In that brief second was he looking down at me and trying to encourage me with a hug? It’s hard living on after he’s gone, it’s hard trying to be someone different without sharing it with someone. The days don’t get easier after you lose your husband. Every night the tears come and I curl into a ball missing Andy but that darn sun still rises and still pushes me to get up.

First two days of VBS we had 12 kids, then we had 18, and then there was 21!

 

Healing Eyes

Ministry for Kids

Your sponsorship would support:

  • Volunteer work at the Boys and Girls Club of America for the Summer Camp 2014. This includes being there to provide love and attention to the kids, arts and crafts, and going on field trips on the island with the kids.
  • When school starts up again in September I hope to split my time in between Lighthouse Missions after school program and the Boys and Girls Club of America program.

Check out the ‘Contact Me Page’ to be added to the Supporters list here


Personal Testimony

 

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Healing Eyes

Remembering

Having a hard time sitting still and being ‘still’. Isn’t that what one does when trying to listen for what to do? What to do? I served breakfast at the Lighthouse and I did the grocery shopping. Shockingly the groceries fit in my jeep!

Groceries

Groceries A nice guy helped me load the car. Thank goodness!

Dan doing dishes. He's camera shy.

Dan doing dishes. He’s camera shy.

So as far as ‘doing’ something I succeeded at something today. Oh and went to the police station again since they misspelled my first name, Saiah isn’t me.

I am stubbornly procrastinating on the task given to me to ‘write’ my story. My logical side says know one would care to read that book and everyone says they want to write a book when your life goes upside down.  I am going thru my old journals and re-reading and typing my past pain..my journey thru infertility. I am noticing some reoccurring themes in my writing. “It is my gift, pain”. Perhaps we all have pain but can’t say it outloud and my task is to yell it from the top of my broken heart that pain sucks.

While trying to procrastinate my writing task I started flipping thru photos from Andy’s memorial service. He sure was a cute guy. He used to be full of life and smiles. The transformation I saw over the years took a toll on his smile. I’m trying to think of something brilliant to write but maybe the photos are enough for those missing Andy today too.

 

In contrast to college and married Sarah…I seem to not recognize this new person. Last weekend I had fun Kayaking, hiking, swimming, and star gazing with friends since. It was a weekend of fun because one of the girls was leaving island and moving back home. During the week volunteer Sarah is sweating and juggling numerous things. I am totally confused on what I am doing. I did drop my application off at the Jeep Tours today and my updated police report with my name spelled correctly. The owner was there, he remembered me so that’s good…I might just be driving Jeep for tourists. Hilarious how a year ago I was in Jamaica on those kind of tours and now I might be doing that? Really? Irony?

Healing Eyes

Working with kids can help mend old wounds.

Andy and I struggled to have kids of our own for several years… dare I say our entire marriage was shadowed by never being able to. I think looking back it might have slowly eroded that child like self in each of us. We had lots of fun together but we desperately wanted to share our love with another mini version of us. When that couldn’t happen we thought treatments could solve the problem. When that didn’t work we turned to adoption. But as our story unfolded that wasn’t to be either. The main thing I am starting to realize is that over the many years I hardened my heart to being around kids…it was such a huge part of Andy’s and mine dream that never came true that we buried the pain over the years. Better to avoid the pain and find other fun things to do or buy. It worked for us…we made it work.

So now what?

Andy is gone and I am alone to pick up the pieces. All that brokenness can be put to work it seems. God has found a way to weasel his way in and light a match inside my heart. It’s a very slow burn but it takes time to change…to change a way of thinking and living..to change perspective on life…

I am starting to look past my own pain and misery by helping others. I don’t know how much of a difference it is but maybe it’s the small stuff that works. We are used to always thinking we have to ‘do’ something and it has to be noticeable to mean it’s working, that we are impacting the world. What if it’s the tiny moments that over time snow ball into something more?

My afternoon was a happy one. Yes, I said it, I was happy. I started by making some mother’s day cards for the kids to color for their moms. Looking past my own heart ache of Mother’s day I succumbed to printing and unjamming a printer over and over to make 10 cards. Later I realized there was a copy machine that made it way easier to duplicate the cards. This coming Mother’s day would have been 4 years since our baby Hope miscarried. She had a wee little heart beat that just gave out unexpectedly in a very painful day before Mother’s day. Sadly Andy never got to hear the heart beat since he missed the doctor’s appointment but he was so happy to hear me share the experience. That day she died Andy and I grieved together.. I’ll never forget the look on Andy’s face when it happened. He tried to go into work that day while I was passed out on the couch but he turned right back around to be with me. That day killed a piece of our hearts…a piece that Andy never really got over until he died, his final words were he would take care of Hope in heaven.

I think it’s a small thing to hang out with the girls while they color and do there homework. I told one of the girl’s I would be up in a minute after I hung out with the 2 older girls. When I got upstairs she had been waiting to pick her colors for her card until I arrived. I was a bit surprised she was waiting for me and very glad I followed thru on my promise. So odd that a kid would want to hang out with me! When we finished coloring we took photos together and the two girls giggled and fought over who was in the picture. Adorable really.

One of the girl’s back downstairs was finishing up her card and when I saw the colors she picked I smiled. She colored just like I would have by alternating colors and outlining the teddy bear…very artistic. But she was shy and thought it was ugly but I assured her it was Amazing.

Gracia coloring her butterfly

Gracia and Perla

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but today was enough to know that coming back to the island was a good idea. If I were to die tomorrow I would feel good about listening to the voice in my head that said “Go”.

Helping with Homework

Helping with Homework

Healing Eyes

Quotes from: Experiencing God by Henry and Richard Blackaby

“When you trust that God always gives his best, you will devote your heart to whatever assignment God gives because you know in that role you can experience everything God has in his heart for you.”

“When God gives you a directive you can be sure he has already considered every factor. ”

“When your life is centered in Gods’ activity, he will rearrange your thinking. God’s ways and thoughts are so different from yours that they will often appear wrong, unloving, or impossible. You will often realize that the task he assigns is far beyond your power or resources to accomplish. as soon as you recognize that the job appears humanly unattainable, you need to be ready to believe and to trust him completely.”

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One night I asked for more.
One night I asked for it all to end.
One night I asked to save me from the pain.
One night I screamed out, “I give up, take my life!”

and

One day God said, ‘Ok’.

One day at a time is my motto ever since Cancer. Now more than ever it is becoming clearer as to how important that saying is. Today I purchased heavy duty tupperware bins to pack just enough clothing and necessities for the new direction in my life. From a house packed full of things and 4 cars in a driveway I am reduced to 2 tupperware bins. When I made the decision to follow the unthinkable .. become childlike in my trust of God’s plan for my new chapter in life I never thought it would mean this. Each day I am faced with imposing doubt of what used to be precious to me. To surrender it all, risk it all to find a bigger purpose in life…oh what madness..but what if by chance faith can win. To have fear is to doubt..how can I doubt the one who wants the best for me, he wouldn’t send me away if it wasn’t a path that would eventually lead to the best for me. Yes there will be pain, ups and downs, trials, but oh what sweet victory to truly live! Find the beauty in the rain, the sun, the simple act of breathing, appreciating each blessing every day as if it were my last. To not live in limbo of the future…without worrying about each imposing day ahead of me..can we all not live like that? Trapped by our own worry and doubt of a future we can’t control.

Step out with me to see a world full of hope and a touch less sorrow. The pain of our past and present will always remain but to seek ways to be happy amidst the storms of life, now that’s worth doing. Finally a challenge worth accepting.. 34 years in the making (with a 13 year intermission of love and life lessons)!

So what am I up to? Well I have eluded to it in my previous posts..something about God’s calling and a remote island. Putting the pieces together? In April I will be leaving my home, friends, and family to follow a small voice inside that says, ‘Go’.  Leave behind what is familiar and have faith in the impossible…
Walk with others strong in their faith, learn to live a simpler life and stop trying to DO everything and control each day. God doesn’t always give specific details of his plan but nudges you in the right direction. I have been given a nudge to help out at Lighthouse Ministries, BE around others in need, BE around God’s love, and BE with children. Along the way if my skills in technology, design, and leadership can be used than by all means God will make it happen. If I am hungry or need shelter than God will provide it. If I am sad or in pain than God will be there to hold me. All of this is foreign to me, and yet it feels so right to trust .. to give up controlling since I have learned thru much suffering and loss that its futile to fight God’s will.

I have started a fundraising website again but this time instead of going to just heal from Andy’s loss… I am going to follow a dream, an awakening of my heart and soul to God.. what madness it is:)  God brought me out of my comfort zone to show me love he can only give to a broken heart.

I will be staying at a wonderful lady’s house again, in a quaint room with showers from the rain that falls from the heavens. My belongings will be simple and my diet will be limited (I never was a good cook…kinda lazy on that front). My income will be cut in half while I attempt to still work online. My puppies will be staying with a family member and thanks to prayer I will not have to separate Yoshi and Miko from each other. The rest of the details will work themselves out each day as I lead up to my flight.

Andy can you believe it!? Out of great pain will come great hope! It’s going to be ok…

Donate here: Fundraising Page

Healing Eyes

Our life the comedy

Everyone around me is moving on with there lives. I am now 33 years old, I have 2 dogs and 1 cat and 1 husband. A lovely house, a car for driving to work and 2 cars of my own to play with during the summer. I have many hobbies to pass the time. Those really are great positives to have.

Yet..

Still..

Each day I can’t shut out that others are having babies, adopting kids, traveling to exciting places, living normal lives. The American motto is if you try hard at something and you really want it than it will come true….
Billboards, advertisements, comedians, commercials, Facebook, they all are reminders of what can’t be. Some days I’m ok with that, hell someday I am ecstatic We don’t have kids and we play when we want to and do what we want.
But then fucking cancer came and pulled all of those past moments of loss back up for us. Reminding us that when you start to feel better that the bad is so close behind. Now when we think we have it together it just takes one peek inside someone else’s happy life to shatter our spirits. Smiling one moment and then collapse.

We tried to go to an event at Gilda’s club for laugh fest, I thought it would be a fun escape, nope just the opposite. First thing to understand is this..it was for people in there 20s and 30s.

Ok, maybe I expected to see kids when we first got there because daycare is provided for free.
Ok, I can so handle that slap in the face.
Ok, pizza was yummy..score.
But then starts the comedian, first words out of his mouth are about breast feeding…then he gets into having kids…then he talks about death and not wanting to be strapped to a wife for all eternity. Now step back.. Everyone there finds it funny, ok…?. So I grabbed my coat and walked out In tears.
It was the perfect mixture of everything that crashes our world into pieces.

I was reading a blog the other day of someone who is a caregiver for Her dad dealing with cancer. As I read it I felt, not alone, yes she had kids and I don’t and never will, but her pain felt so real. She was putting her words out there even if it doesn’t fix the pain.
My pointless writing may be pointless and depressing to read but maybe it can connect with someone else who feels alone. I feel so alone. I miss my andy and I love him so much it breaks my heart. I physically hurt because he hurts, I get bitchy because he hurts, I want to scream because he can’t. I listen to andy talk and I don’t recognize his voice at times. His voice sounds higher and rougher…I can hear pain in it even if I’m imagining it. Some days I hear HIM again…we hug again..and maybe sneak a kiss. In a moment it’s over, but my Andy is still alive and I am still here, so tomorrow may bring another stolen moment between us where our love can breathe life into our broken bodies again. I’ll wait for the physical pain to lessen, I’ll wait for chemo to end, I’ll endure the more ct scans and doctors visits, and I’ll even shovel the driveway all winter long (I kinda like doing that but I can’t let andy know otherwise next winter I may inherit more responsibilities)

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