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Tag Archives: journey

All is well

Do we all seek a new start to life? Just as the day rises each day to bring a new day, we must also think of it as a chance for a new life. Each new day is a chance to try again, to fight again, to endure, and to make a difference. From the smalls to the bigs…size doesn’t matter as long as you are seeking. With Andy dying I have been looking at it all wrong. I am consumed by grief and sadness and reliving of each moment before and as he died. Revisiting that hospital in my mind and going thru the corridors of pain and regret. This cycle is slowly killing my heart and bringing me down.

This morning I flipped open my bible to Philippians 3:12 and it said:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take HOLD of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.”

My goal is set and I can’t let anything take my eyes off that. I have to strive on even if it seems IMPOSSIBLE. Just like cancer can seem to be impossible sometimes during all those endless chemo treatments. Endless days and nights watching your loved one wither before you. The person you once knew disappears and is replaced by a person in pain. A person fighting for life with each breath and step throughout the day. Never give up hope.

1 Corinthians 13:10-12

“but when completeness comes, what is in the past disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child…For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully even as I am fully known.”

1 Timothy 6:12

“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses”


 

I made the choice when I sold my stuff and let my dogs go to another family. I made the decision when I told my bosses I had to go and I didn’t know what the reason was other than a voice said “Go”. Being passive is not in my blood, I don’t want to just sit back while others do things for a bigger purpose. I want to actively participate and make clarity out of all that pain and grief. I will tell my heart to beat again, I will not sit back and let life pass me by. Just as I am competitive and biking and kayaking, I push my body to the limits to bike faster and run raster…so shall I push my heart to feel more, to hurt more, and to endure more trials. This is the beginning of a new day. This is a beginning of a new chapter. This is my New Start to a new life just as Paul referred to Saul starting his new journey once his eyes were opened and the scales fell from his eyes.

I was blind but now I see!

I was in a pit of grief but now I see a light!

I saw death, I held death, I had great loss but now it’s time to step out and continue what I started.

Listen to me for a I tell you the truth. Even in your pain I am with you and will never leave you.
Enjoy this day for tomorrow your job starts.

Can you trust me?

“death has died and All is Well”

Healing Eyes

Old Lighthouse Hike

I write to speak for the broken hearted.

I write to share the pain of those who lose heart.

I write to soothe my soul.

This morning started early with a hike up to the old lighthouse on the other side of my island. It took forever to get there. One thing to learn is that things seem to take longer than you think on this island of only 27 miles in length. If you live in the states and enjoy all of those straight roads and endless smooth concrete than you can’t understand how it can take an hour to get to the other side of a small island in the ocean. It was early and we had already missed our chance to see the sunrise over the ocean but we still journeyed on. For some strange reason we ran into a traffic jam in the rainforest. I have only experienced one other traffic jam on this island and it was where you would expect it, by buildings and street lights. It was very odd that at 6am we ran into several sloooow moving vehicles in the rainforest.  For some reason they didn’t like the potholes and slowed and swerved for each one. Now my friend who was driving usually doesn’t bother with the formality of slowing for a huge crater in the road, why bother when the roads are essentially made up of a series of holes that once was a concrete path.

The hike up to the lighthouse was steep and picturesque, complete with spider webs and hermit crabs. Oh and some really gross looking slug creatures. Once we arrived the sun was up already and hiding behind a cloud. A very ominous cloud floating above the ocean. The sun was stubborn though and reflected on the waves below the cloud and it was a sight to see! We climbed the tall tower and sat on top of the world watching the splendor before us. It only seemed fitting to play the song I had played at Andy’s funeral, Amazing Grace ‘My chains are gone’.

Andy’s chains are gone! His body is free and his pain is gone. God took it away in the end when he finally believed. In his last hour of life he believed and his chains were gone, he was set free, his God and Savior rescued him. His mercy overwhelmed Andy and he took his final breaths of peace…

This earth is temporary. The sun is fleeting and the clouds are many. But God is calling to end the pain of this earth. Last night I fell asleep, alone, listening to Amazing Grace, a song I have avoided for some time because it makes me cry. I walked behind his coffin with a flower in my hand and Amazing Grace played. I took one final look at Andy and slipped the tiny purple iris into his coffin and said Goodbye.  Last night I faced that song head on and cried out to the lyrics while listening to the wave crash outside…I must have eventually fallen asleep. A night with no scarey nightmares of Andy suffering over and over in my head, a night with no dreams in fact.

 

 

Healing Eyes

Why do I have a guitar?

The day started without one and now I appear to have one in my possession.

I have learned about 3 cords that I think I still remember and my fingers are a bit numb and red from pressing on the wires. 

Guitar

It all began because this morning I was filled with grief. Sometimes the grief comes in waves and drowns me. I am learning to admit to my weakness of grief and seeking help from God to navigate thru it. It seems today the answer was ‘Guitar’. So sure why not I’ll try it…if all else fails at least I can say I know 3 chords.

You know how sometimes you know you need to share your feelings but you don’t want to. Most of the time you just shove them back inside and suffer thru your day? Well this morning I decided not to do that. Instead I unloaded on a friend about the stabbing pain in my heart that comes with losing a partner. I lost my partner, my life line, my strength for all of my adult life.

Yesterday I found out the manager of the condo house sits until November. That was a bit saddening to hear because now I am alone in this little building by the Sea. Yes, the other building is just a few feet away and my other friend lives there but one thing you come to realize on the island is that things seem farther way than they appear. Something about the heat that slows you down and makes things seem faaaaar away. Anyways, I was sad and again felt like God wants me to be alone in order to to teach me to lean on him. Why does God have to be so greedy? What makes me so special that he wants me all to himself? Grrr I scream because I really am lonely at night. The waves crashing on the surf is quite nice but it doesn’t hold me at night. I suppose I will have to start to learn to accept my solitude and enjoy the ride.

Today was a long day and filled with so many unexpected blessings. I decided to take a mini half day vacation and went to the beach. Yes yes a beach! How Cliché! But this one is the far end of the island and is very secluded. Don’t fear I did not go alone because that would be slightly dangerous. I tried snorkeling again, I am not a huge fan of it but I am on an island so I should give it a shot. A sting ray decided to visit me and that freaked me out a bit but I survived.

photo 1 (2)

After my beach/hike escape I found out that it was the last night for the kids club at the church. This meant I could find Gracie one more time. I went expecting to just be happy finding Gracie and instead God put another lady into my life again. She was a nice lady I met when I first came to the island, we shared some tears the last time. I was sitting in the white plastic chairs and she walked in, at first she didn’t recognize me but then a flash of recognition lit up her eyes. ‘Miss Sarah!’

We sat down and caught up a bit and she confessed something to me that made me laugh right out loud. ‘Sarah, I have to confess, and it might sound bad but I prayed for a white friend.’ That just made me laugh and smile so loudly. I said right back to her, ‘You know I also have always wanted a black friend’. So funny even now thinking back to that conversation on how straightforward that was.  She also happens to be my neighbor, it seems she has a house very close to my new place. So odd how when you least expect it you get a little blessing you never expected or asked for. So perhaps I won’t be so lonely.

At the end of the kids club the little girls hugged me and swarmed around me on the way to the church van. One girl asked if I lived here and I said that I moved to the island. She seemed happy about that. Another girl said she wanted to stay with me and they all walked close to me to the church van. When we got to the van a girl said she didn’t want to go home but I said come to church on Sunday and i’ll see you again. God knows why these kids want to see me again…they must be really craving love to need me. If I can make a bit of difference in there lives by just showing up then that’s enough reason to stay here on the island. I don’t know how but if God wants me to learn something and sacrifice my comfort for others than why not.

Tomorrow I am going to get up super early to see the sunset from the West end of the island. Should be amazing!  I don’t know what my future is but right now I am exhausted and feeling ‘ok’. This faith walk is exhausting, if you ever get bored in your lives and want to step out than be ready for a lot of ups and downs because God likes to be unpredictable and sometimes illogical.


 

Prayer request: I really need to get some wifi at my place and stop using my phone as a hotspot. It’s convenient but really limiting to my blogging.

bible lesson ball

 

Healing Eyes

Hop Hop

If God is for us, who can be against us? Rom 8:31.

If God gave up his son for us.. gave it all up.. how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

If God could give it all up for us (me) than why is it so ludicrous to think it’s not ok for me to give it all up in return? Why is it so hard to fathom that he wouldn’t take care of me if I gave it all up? If he is telling me to do one thing and that one thing is very clear in my head than why wouldn’t I say yes without any fear of the consequences. Shouldn’t we all support that kind of radical thinking and radical change if it brings about an abundant life?

I am laying in my bed right now in physical pain but the guilt of having such a nice place right on the Sea is weighing heavier than my body not feeling well. That’s kinda crazy? I can’t accept this abundant gift from God because I don’t think I deserve it, I’m just not religious enough for this journey. However, God has me right where he wants me, on an island dependent on him. Maybe since I am listening and following him then that’s why he gave me such a great place to rest and listen. Yes when I first got on island I was not living by the Sea but in a room provided by a very gracious and loving host. She gave me a launch pad from the airport to where God has now placed me. He has placed me in a very nice, clean, and safe residence. My condo is right next to a very friendly couple who manage the property and are a hoot to hang out with. They have made me feel at home and safe here in this oasis by the sea.

Now for anyone that knows me they would know I am not a bible verse person or a church goer. I can’t quote them off the top of my head and I doubt I ever will be able to. So I rely on others to inspire me and I’ll follow the bunny trail put in front of me with my handy study bible.

——

2 Corinthians 6:10 – Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich, having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

The bunny trail then led me to..

2 Corinthians 8:9 – For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

——

What if God wants me to live abundantly.. and what if I just have to live with that and appreciate it..

What if me taking the step forward in this ‘faith walk’ just means I have to take the blessings that inevitably comes with it? Ok, this doesn’t mean its always going to be peachy keen.  Those darn crazy ants are everywhere, I’m too cheap to buy food, and my jeep makes some interesting sounds. All of this is quite a step down from my Mini Cooper S, Mr2 classic car, and bug free 2 story house complete with AC. I lost a lot in coming here, I gave up a lot of my stuff, my Andy is gone, my dogs are gone, my cat is gone. The list could go on and on. But one thing I am realizing is a theme that if I give up things dear to me I may just get something to replace it and I might just appreciate it a whole lot more since I have a greater appreciation when reduced to lower expectations.  I shouldn’t limit what God can do because of my brainwashing to think if you follow something invisible than it most likely means it won’t be very good since I can’t really SEE it before I BUY it.

—–

Ephesians 3:20 – Now to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

I don’t want to just wake up and have one devotional for the day. I want that one devotion to lead me on a bunny trail to hop around and see other hidden gems in my day. I want my eyes to always be open and searching for more. Isn’t life about wanting more and more? Than why not more of the invisible?

——

Romans 16:25-26 – Now to him who is able to establish you in accordance with my gospel, the message I proclaim about Jesus Christ, in keeping with the revelation of the MYSTERY HIDDEN for long ages past, but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all the Gentiles might come to the obedience that comes from faith!

Makes you think .. well makes me think? I love puzzles and connecting pieces. I think God knows that and he knew it all along and that’s why he is so vague sometimes with me. He likes it when I follow the breadcrumbs and get something personal out of the words in front of me. Words there all along but I couldn’t see because I didn’t want to. Maybe this all davinci code and conspiracy thinking but I sure think God is real and enjoys watching each of us figuring things out with a bit of prodding.

 

Healing Eyes

A story unfolds

I think God has a funny sense of accomplishing a plan. Let’s take someone who has been used to doing something for all of his or her adult life with a partner and then take that partner away. How does this person survive? That’s where it gets interesting because some people could just latch on to someone else to get him or her thru it. In my case I am latching on to someone I can’t see. That sounds so odd really. How can someone rely on an invisible man? Could a book really have all the answers to this person’s success or failure?

I started my journey of faith by packing up my minimal belongings onto a plane and landing on a tiny little island cut off from everything I ever knew. I emerged myself into a culture that has been foreign to me for years, the Christians. It’s a strange new world. I don’t like labels so let’s just call this culture a super nice group of people with lots of love.

Now the stage is set. Little island in the Caribbean and part of the US virgin islands. Palm trees, blue water, blue skies, and hot temperatures. It is an island in economic trouble and jobs are slim, food costs a lot, and water is only found thru a wallet and a ‘rain’ water machine. There are people who have money and those who don’t. There are children in need of love and direction. Really its just like any other place except for the whole water and sun thing, oh and the high prices, and bugs. Ok maybe it’s not quite like everywhere else.

This girl we shall call, the Young Widow, steps off the plane and feels the rush of heat and salt air on her skin. She smiles a little because it doesn’t feel quite as foreign as when she first got here. At first she can’t find her two totes of belongings but with some patience she locates them in a little office with a slightly grumpy lady. Sigh of relief. She loads them up on a cart and then waits by the curb for a ride. Sounds kinda funny looking back, a widow alone in an airport with just two totes and a carry on luggage waiting by a curb in the Caribbean.

The house she will call ‘home’ for an undetermined amount of time is familiar to her since it was the same place she landed 2 months before during her exploration phase. The room seems smaller and the heat is more intense. It feels a bit claustrophobic this time. Perhaps it’s the finality of the moment sinking in. The fact that the house is not hers, she has no car, and she has no idea what she is doing could be weighing heavier now.

What is the invisible companion up to? Perhaps he’s right by her side and guiding her weak body along, directing her path in a most uncomfortable route to encourage growth. If you imagine being dependant on another person for years and then now he’s gone you may feel disoriented and gimpy. Maybe this new friend knows what’s best to teach her how to walk again, how to feed herself again, how to wake each morning and decide to still breathe. During the dark nights he may comfort her with a presence that is unexplainable. Take away everything to rely on something foreign. Which seems ironic as now this girl is surrounding herself with foreign objects and people.

Each new morning in this place is difficult. The loss of a house is more traumatic than she had expected. It’s as if on top of the loss of a husband she now has no control of anything and no space to call her own. No comforts of her past life except clothes and books.  As the days go by she realizes how important those comforts were. Slowly her new friend introduces them back into her life to remind her how precious each of them are. A deeper appreciation of hot showers and electricity are fostered.

It’s hard to describe what a widow’s heart feels like. Let’s imagine a whole heart full of dreams and hopes for a future. Now apply pressure to it over a 2 year span and begin to chip away at its blood vessels. Choking off parts of the heart that supply oxygen so that parts of the body get sick from stress and worry. Each part of the body suffers from the introduction of a great suffocating pain. The pain of fear creeps into the heart and slowly takes over. With no way out it can fester. Now take the one person away that was keeping that weak heart pumping. This heart is now basically screwed because it has lost all its source of life.

The plan set before the girl is as clear as the words ‘Go’ at this point. Over time she starts to see it’s really a training course she signed up for. Lesson 101 on how to rebuilt a heart after all its life is sucked out.

  1. Get up
  2. Eat
  3. Optional cold shower
  4. Work and volunteer
  5. Read
  6. Write random words
  7. Eat
  8. Sleep

The invisible friend never leaves and is relentlessly working on his plan. Only letting her see glimpses of it so that she learns to follow by faith. He introduces a haven by the sea with a friend. He gives the opportunity to sleep there for a few days. He opens a door for a room to rent there. He closes the other doors to coral her into a narrow path of acquiring this room. The one bedroom condo is white and lofty, it overlooks a crashing sea at her feet. It has the bare necessities of living and is safe. All the while in her head she feels unworthy of such a lavish gift. The pain of her husband is lingering in her heart and is being used against her. In the middle of the night she awakes in a night sweat from a loud noise. The door had slammed shut and the curtains were blowing wild. Fear grips her little heart as she is used to curling up to another body who would say its ok…it’s just the wind. The voices start putting thoughts of fear in her head. She musters up the courage to turn the light on and open the door, slowly she embarrassingly looks around the corner and sees an empty living room. Crawling back in bed defeated by her fear she lets it continue and replays the last day of her husband’s life in a cold stark hospital room. All the sounds of the ICU come crashing back in as the waves outside her wind swirl in madness. There was so much pain in her husband’s eyes and fear of the unknown that awaited him in death. All of this reawakened in her heart from a door slamming in the middle of the night in a strange new home. The invisible friend tries to comfort but the voices are stronger in her head and crowd out that source of comfort. Pain and regret are the great immobilizers.

The morning comes and she lingers a bit longer in bed because getting up means facing another day alone. Another day with no companion to look forward to a future with. The thought of a hot shower finally woes her up out of bed. What a gift to have a quick hot shower at her fingertips.

She now has a stove too and a toaster! How perspective changes when you lose everything to rebuild. Eggs and toast. In the past her husband would have made eggs for her but this morning it’s her turn to do it. She is being taught how to care for herself. A dangerous line of being too independent though, which is an easy trap to fall into. In this new place there are still bugs, they are called Crazy ants, and they magically appear anywhere there is a crumb. So now it’s clean the dishes right after eating and leave no sign of food. Everything takes longer to do and with more foresight of consequences if not done correctly.

Healing Eyes

Peaceful

I was angry when Andy died.

I was angry when Hope died.

I was angry when Adoption failed.

But this morning as I awake on the island at my friend, Beth’s condo by the Sea…I hear the waves crashing on the rock wall and the wind blow the palm tree on the window. I smile! I smile so wide because the pain is easing. The tears are slowing and my heart is thawing. I am not as angry as I was about losing Andy. I am not as angry as I was for losing Hope. How can I be when I have a new love that is slowly taking hold where all the empty was. The dark pit that consumed me and threatened to pull me under is getting smaller and smaller. Tomorrow I could easily fall back in, or the next day, or the next day after. I’ll let tomorrow worry about itself! Right now I realize how much God loves me…it’s crazy to say after so many years of living my own life. Living for myself and feeling the need to control the outcome of life. 

Let go to live!
Let go to BREATHE!

I have kids now. I was motherless but now I have several kids that like me.. dare I say Love me? Last night at kids club Gracie ran to me and latched onto my waste. Literally! She wouldn’t let go. I was walking around with an 8 year old girl strapped to my waste. It was nice to be hugged even if it still is a bit odd for me to surrender to a love of a child. Maybe it was God hugging me thru Gracie saying it will be ok Sarah. stop worrying about tomorrow or even today…isn’t it enough that you’re here doing what I asked you to? Let me work on your heart and teach you a new skill. Or perhaps its an old skill buried way down that I suppressed…maybe I’ve known how to be a kid all along.

The kids were playing on the field and Gracie and I went down there. Well I mean I walked down there with her attached to my waste. I tried to encourage her to play with the other kids but she refused. She is very stubborn! hmm reminds me of another person i know, Me. The other girls called out my name, Miss Sarah! A very small girl named, Magalina, hugged me:) She always falls asleep during the lesson, perhaps from the heat or maybe its because she is so thin and tiny.

I’m going off island for a week and I am sad about that. I just was getting comfortable and adjusting and now I have to be ‘business Sarah’ again. The look on Gracie’s face as I said I was going away for a week touched me. The look on Carla’s face when I said I would be gone on her birthday made me sad. It’s nice feeling wanted even if it is such a small thing that I bring to their lives. However, I think they like knowing someone loves them and wants to be around. It seems people come in and out of their lives often and they never know who is sticking around long term. I pray that God will keep me here a bit longer to build those relationships up and to learn all their names…maybe watch them grow a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not setting up roots here, but maybe just maybe I am learning some new skills about kids that I can take wherever I land. 

 

Healing Eyes

Working with kids can help mend old wounds.

Andy and I struggled to have kids of our own for several years… dare I say our entire marriage was shadowed by never being able to. I think looking back it might have slowly eroded that child like self in each of us. We had lots of fun together but we desperately wanted to share our love with another mini version of us. When that couldn’t happen we thought treatments could solve the problem. When that didn’t work we turned to adoption. But as our story unfolded that wasn’t to be either. The main thing I am starting to realize is that over the many years I hardened my heart to being around kids…it was such a huge part of Andy’s and mine dream that never came true that we buried the pain over the years. Better to avoid the pain and find other fun things to do or buy. It worked for us…we made it work.

So now what?

Andy is gone and I am alone to pick up the pieces. All that brokenness can be put to work it seems. God has found a way to weasel his way in and light a match inside my heart. It’s a very slow burn but it takes time to change…to change a way of thinking and living..to change perspective on life…

I am starting to look past my own pain and misery by helping others. I don’t know how much of a difference it is but maybe it’s the small stuff that works. We are used to always thinking we have to ‘do’ something and it has to be noticeable to mean it’s working, that we are impacting the world. What if it’s the tiny moments that over time snow ball into something more?

My afternoon was a happy one. Yes, I said it, I was happy. I started by making some mother’s day cards for the kids to color for their moms. Looking past my own heart ache of Mother’s day I succumbed to printing and unjamming a printer over and over to make 10 cards. Later I realized there was a copy machine that made it way easier to duplicate the cards. This coming Mother’s day would have been 4 years since our baby Hope miscarried. She had a wee little heart beat that just gave out unexpectedly in a very painful day before Mother’s day. Sadly Andy never got to hear the heart beat since he missed the doctor’s appointment but he was so happy to hear me share the experience. That day she died Andy and I grieved together.. I’ll never forget the look on Andy’s face when it happened. He tried to go into work that day while I was passed out on the couch but he turned right back around to be with me. That day killed a piece of our hearts…a piece that Andy never really got over until he died, his final words were he would take care of Hope in heaven.

I think it’s a small thing to hang out with the girls while they color and do there homework. I told one of the girl’s I would be up in a minute after I hung out with the 2 older girls. When I got upstairs she had been waiting to pick her colors for her card until I arrived. I was a bit surprised she was waiting for me and very glad I followed thru on my promise. So odd that a kid would want to hang out with me! When we finished coloring we took photos together and the two girls giggled and fought over who was in the picture. Adorable really.

One of the girl’s back downstairs was finishing up her card and when I saw the colors she picked I smiled. She colored just like I would have by alternating colors and outlining the teddy bear…very artistic. But she was shy and thought it was ugly but I assured her it was Amazing.

Gracia coloring her butterfly

Gracia and Perla

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but today was enough to know that coming back to the island was a good idea. If I were to die tomorrow I would feel good about listening to the voice in my head that said “Go”.

Helping with Homework

Helping with Homework

Healing Eyes

Conversation at Sunrise

I am spending the night next to the Sea! Literally, I can hear the waves crash on the surf and I can smell the salt… and what am I doing… I am bawling my eyes out missing Andy. Guilt is weighing so heavy on me right now of the all the hospital visits I am starting to blur together in my head. This evening I tried to document them all and went back at my calendar to find correct dates and procedures. If I forget the last 2 years I feel like I am losing another piece of Andy. The piece of Andy that fought so hard and suffered so much. The piece of Andy that shined so brightly when facing death. This morning I realized he had such a peace…a wave of peace came over him in that hospital bed that was God’s doing. I saw it first hand and yet it took me months later to really come to grips with it.

This morning I sat on a beautiful patio overlooking the Sea and I was sad. Seriously?! Stop being sad Sarah!

Why is it that when I wake up I can’t be happy and free? Because when I awake I remember I can’t wake from my dream of forever being separated from you my love – my other self. I will forever awake each morning in mourning for you. The loss felt is forever etched in my soul.

While others smile and welcome the day I fear the pain to come.


 

Job 33:

In a dream, in a vision of the night,
    when deep sleep falls on people
    as they slumber in their beds,
he may speak in their ears
    and terrify them with warnings,
 to turn them from wrongdoing
    and keep them from pride,
 to preserve them from the pit,
    their lives from perishing by the sword.

 “Or someone may be chastened on a bed of pain
    with constant distress in their bones,
 so that their body finds food repulsive
    and their soul loathes the choicest meal.
 Their flesh wastes away to nothing,
    and their bones, once hidden, now stick out.
 They draw near to the pit,
    and their life to the messengers of death.
 Yet if there is an angel at their side
as a mediator to tell a man what is right for him..


Andy I knew the words to speak to you. You told me before you died I had a way of reaching you. That I always knew what to say. The day you died I felt useless and words seemed desperate to save you from death. I long to hear your voice again – even if for a flash. What joy I would feel – but quickly it would be replaced with agony as I know I never can feel your embrace again or your breath on my cheek.


and he is gracious to that person and says to God,

    ‘Spare them from going down to the pit;
    I have found a ransom for them—
 let their flesh be renewed like a child’s;
    let them be restored as in the days of their youth’—

“God does all these things to a person—
    twice, even three times—
 to turn them back from the pit,
    that the light of life may shine on them.


Speak no more of woes but take care my child that Andy lives, he lives in your heart and those that he touched with his struggle of life. His pain is gone and he smiles at the sight of you. One day when you wake the pain of separation will be replaced with peace — knowing that Andy is at peace in my arms.

Healing Eyes

UnPacked

OK I DID IT!

I unpacked the last of my clothes and bought some hangers to place them on! I also found a Jeep to buy and Monday I’ll be a proud owner of a Jeep wrangler. I asked God before I came, ‘Please find me a a car and if it could be a Jeep that would be much appreciated’. After a few weeks of frustration and agony it seems he has answered my prayer and gave me a cheap Jeep with AC. I had fun working on the price with him last night and it got better today when he knocked another $500 off the car. During the second test drive we went down this extremely steep hill and he shifted it into the low low gear and I screamed a little as the brakes slid but we survived 🙂

It’s another super hot day here and I actually find it possible to sweat without even moving a finger. Missing Michigan weather but perhaps there is a light ahead. Last night I slept in jeans and knee high socks since I didn’t want to take a chance with the centipede again. As far as I can tell he did not visit me and I had no nightmares! yay!

So now I just need to not stress too much about everything and let it BE…give up control…and see what God does for me. Even when I get upset about my circumstances and lack of what I used to have.

 

” If we slow down and listen, we will hear his voice: “I love you my child. Your value to me is not based on what you DO. Rest in me. Receive my love and grace. Find joy in the simple reality that my love for you will always be enough”.  ~ Seismic Shifts

And all along I knew that… before I came I kept saying, “It’s not about DOING, its about BEING and falling in love with God”. We can be mad at God and fight but in the end he just wants to love us. Why do we fight that one so much?

Healing Eyes

Moaning widow

Why am I writing this pointless rant of my boring life. Am I blogging to sound important or to update followers? Just to hear myself rant and complain? Well for today it is for the pure joy of complaining and being completely disappointed in the the turn of my life. So if you want a fluffy, happy, encouraging blog than stop here because it’s gonna get ugly.


 

Let’s list out all the things I don’t have anymore:


 

  1. Husband
  2. Soulmate
  3. House
  4. Cars
  5. Puppies
  6. Cat
  7. Couch
  8. Safe bed
  9. Full time job
  10. Freedom
  11. Sanity
  12. Michigan weather
  13. Bathtub

 

Instead I have:


 

  1. A room
  2. 90+ humid air
  3. A bed with a Centipede in it while sleeping last night that chose to bite me in my upper thigh and it fricken hurt, still does hours later! They are creepy and fast bastards and I lucked out and met it last night
  4. Minimal electricity which means when the sun goes down at 6:30 I am in darkness
  5. Fast cold showers
  6. Books (several)
  7. Bible (2)
  8. Clothes
  9. Friends
  10. Skittles

 

Now then why am I doing this to myself? I have no idea! I can chalk this up to momentary insanity after losing a loved one and started hearing voices. Mid life crisis brought on by a traumatic event which led me to think I could change my life. So I am going to give it until July before going back home. Back in Michigan I can easily get an apartment for one person and 2 small dogs. Have a bathtub and running water I can drink. As much electricity as I want and no CENTIPEDES that crawl on me at night! Yes, this grieving widow is miserable and pissed at her current circumstance. Yes it is a pitiful sight to see. I have knee high socks on since my 3am incident out of fear of another bite (yes its 80+ here and I slept in Andy’s sweatshirt and wool kneehighs). It took me 3 hours before I fell asleep on top of the sheets since I didn’t want to cozy up next to another bug unexpectedly. Am I blowing the bug incident out of proportion? Maybe, but I don’t care… we all get a few moments in life where we can complain and be mad.

Andy called me in my sleep last night and I bolted for the phone.

“Where are you?! Andy, I need to know and I miss you!” – Sarah

“I’m at a friend’s house, why do you care? You left me anyways”. – Andy

I sobbed in my sleep..

“Andy I am so sorry, please let me come to you.” – Sarah

I woke up in a sweat and remembered I was in a bed not of my own and living on an island where I don’t belong. Reality sinks in and I want to run. In my dream I was looking for a first flight out of here but my Internet refused to work. Now I am fully awake and contemplating if I should look up those flights still but I won’t. I will give it until July before going.

There you have it…a blog post worth laughing at… the ‘I told you so’ post about why I shouldn’t have come. All the doubt I had about why not to come is true. Question is what will I do with it? Stay tuned…maybe my day will not be as I expect it to turn out. Until then I am going to lay here with Andy’s wallet and stare at photos of him and I together (yes that’s what this widow does when alone, supposedly it can be helpful when dealing with loss)

Healing Eyes