• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: kids

Ups and downs

I had a crazy day of my jeep dying again (looking to be $500-600 to fix I think). The kids at the lighthouse were so loving to me. The jeep is small in the grand scheme even though I move tomorrow and have no vehicle lol and half my belongings r already on the other side of island. Each day is a challenge on living simple.

Today my favorite girl was extra stubborn towards me but in the end I won her over while working on spelling words. She likes to ignore me and stops talking when I start to give her attention sometimes. I stood firm today with her stubbornness and told her I love her anyways. That my stubbornness to not give up on her was because I cared for her but her stubbornness to me was disrespectful. She eventually understood and opened up. I gave her a big hug afterwards and I think she liked it even though she grumbled. Next week I bet she’ll hug me first. It’s an up and down battle with her.

Her temper and stubborn personality are obstacles daily. But once I break thru she is loving and sweet. Regretfully her anger is getting worse. Please keep her in your prayers. I love her dearly.

I brought my ukuleles today. I did a mini lesson with a girl named Emily who is in six grade and she really liked it. Pray that I’m able to do lessons outside the lighthouse with her. She has a lot of potential and really wants to learn. Pray that I can find a Ukulele for her to have and practice on too.

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Healing Eyes

A shut-in

The last 3 days I have been shut up inside my apartment living off the chicken sandwiches and Ramon noodles I had in my kitchen. I was drawn down into a pit of sorrow longing for yesterday. I had 4 gallons of drinking water to sustain me and on the fourth day of my solitude I started to run dry. It was time to step out of my hole to seek water. While out I figured I should try to get some jogging in, stretch my legs and get the blood pumping. It was already in the 80s when I started to run. I pushed myself and prayed for strength to run at least a mile; I ended up doing about 1.7 miles and nearly collapsed of heat exhaustion. While running I was reminded how in our weaknesses we are made strong. At night I cry myself to sleep sometimes when I realize how broken and alone I am. I read laminations and it comforts me. “ My splendor is gone and all I had hoped from the Lord.” “I remember my affliction and wandering…” “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.” I sat alone for 3 days, I tried to seek out friends but everyone was gone. I was made to sit alone with my thoughts. I’m not gonna lie I went a bit crazy but my weakness is God’s way of shining through me. Every day I want to give up and go ‘home’. But what is home? My home is gone. Taken away from me when my husband first became sick. Now I am haunted by memories of a year ago when Andy was dead while in his body that still breathed.

“we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts…”

Can these words really mean something thousands of years later? Why does everything have to feel connected in some way. Like a big puzzle to discover.

I am living on an island, what many would think paradise. I just took my Jeep to another mechanic and now it seems the fuel injector is bad and it will be another $250 to fix. I feel my finances being slowly sucked out like the damn mosquitos that bite at my ankles. I am not supposed to grumble though so this is just a factual explanation of my current circumstances. Not at all me complaining about the difficulties of giving my life over to my invisible friend who will provide all that I need.

The after school program starts back up today so I’ll have a reason to my being here again. The irony that kids are my life line when a few years ago I couldn’t stand children. I used to run from children’s high pitched voices and ignore them when they said hello. I was walking with a friend yesterday who is very bitter about kids and was pretty rude to a little girl that came up on the boardwalk to say hi.

We can’t really change who we are but we can let our suffering refine us, as if through fire, into who we were always meant to be. The skills and abilities we have that can be used in ways we never imagined…or perhaps we have imagined but we were too scared to try because of what others might think. Most of the time what we really want seems crazy and too ‘out there’ to accomplish. Maybe that’s part of the trick that evil uses to hold us back. If it sounds crazy and seems impossible than it must be and just go with the safe path.

Horse wandering by my Jeep this morning..only St Croix

Horse wandering by my Jeep this morning..only St Croix

Healing Eyes

A day at the Lighthouse

Every time I bring the ukulele the kids swarm around and smile. I gave up my piano to move to the island but God gave me the ukulele to fill my musical void.

The kids found it funny I didn’t know there ‘Patty Cake’ version and that I kept messing up.

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Heat exhaustion

It was a very hot day today and more than once I thought I would pass out. In this kind of heat it’s hard to concentrate and remain patient. Funny that God is continuing to test my patience with staying financially afloat for the kids. Several times he has the kids ask me about if I get paid to help them. They assume that I do since I am an adult and I show up. When I tell them that I am here to volunteer and show them love they are shocked every time. They scream, Impossible! I like that reaction even though deep down I am fearful of how I’ll keep this up. Today, however, God decided to remind me that he’s in charge and that as long as I keep listening it will be ok. Most likely i’ll have a one time donation coming in soon from a church and also Andy’s social security disability has been approved and I’ll see some of that soon. Perhaps more details than I should share but how can I share the entire story if I never tell my readers the moments where my invisible friend comes through for me!

My prayer for more crafts for the kids is also coming true thanks to some ladies back home who are helping out. Those sort of blessings make me smile:) and I know the kids will smile too…such as my aspiring Flower artist at the club.

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I’m tired a lot still from the heat and today marks the 10 month anniversary of Andy passing away but I won’t give up quite yet. Just keep leaving the bread crumbs and I’ll follow…just please please give me a roof to stay under and some food to stay alive for the kids. So funny! Me and kids! Makes no sense even still!!!!!

Healing Eyes

Perseverance worked yesterday

Much better day with the kids. Hot and muggy but no tears and mean words. The kids were super lovey today. Happy feet gave me the longest hug and told me I was a good person (yes in those exact words).

I brought my bracelet maker today and the kids taught me how to make rubberband bracelets with just my two fingers. The boys actually were the ones most interested and very talented. It was a great motivator for good behavior and manners. it was quite funny, we started with about 5 kids but then when the van arrived with a huge load of kids I said, “quick pack it up before they see”. Otherwise all the kids would be grabbing and it would have been chaotic. One girl really understood me and rushed to quick hide the loom.

There was this small boy who over the week keeps finding me. He pulls out his big piece of paper I had been teaching how to make flowers on. He asks me to show him how to make a new flower each day. So cute and odd how he keeps bringing that piece of paper back to me. I wish I knew his name. He’s one of the few boys who complains about how loud it is there. He wishes everyone would stop screaming all the time.

So yesterday was awful but today was a blessing. I got hugged, loved, and treated nicely:)

The Jeep update: My Jeep is ‘running’ but it needs a tune-up now for the distributor. I won’t complain though because it would be triple the cost if it was a newer jeep. So yay this will only break me by $220. Pray that God will keep providing and doors will keep opening up.

I am thankful for free Wifi courtesy of my awesome neighbors. I am thankful for my girlfriend Renee who is going to be my roomy soon. I am thankful for the sun. I am thankful my Jeep starts. I am thankful for the kids who hug me. I am thankful the mosquitos are not too bitey. I am thankful I have gallons of drinking water. I am thankful for Becca who sends me goodies. I am thankful for Cindy who prays for me. I am thankful for my Parents who are proud of me… and I am thankful for my Olaf who keeps me company at night.

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Choking back tears of being hated

Today I was at the boys and girls club of America and it was the first time I actually almost lost it and broke down in tears. It was starting off good, I had the handful of kids working on a craft about ‘Decisions’ and teaching them how to make the right choices in life. One little girl said she couldn’t do that craft because it had a bible verse on it and her mother doesn’t believe in that church stuff. So I dismissed her to not cause trouble.

Each day I bring my own personal crayons in since they don’t have many there and I ask them to treat them nicely and take one crayon at a time. Today I had some troublemakers and they wouldn’t listen and slowly the crayons ended up everywhere. I used it as an example of choices in life, they could choose to be nice or they can choose to be naughty and there are consequences. The crayons were put away.

Then it got bad…a group of teenagers came out to sit on a picnic table and I told them they needed to go back to their classroom since it still was Homework hour and they gave me some snotty remarks and then turned around. Few minutes later they come back out and say another teacher said it was ok to come out. Smack right on my face, I try to enforce rules that the club has and I am side swiped by another adult. It’s so frustrating to be not liked and to be treated badly. I am giving my time for free for these kids and I get nothing in return except evil looks and mockery. The teenagers than continued to be noisy and were laughing at me while I tried to keep the handful of younger kids under control. That was when all the crayon madness started and I was ready to give up. Everything was falling apart, except one boy who usually is naughty was being so nice and that encouraged me a bit.

Earlier one little girl made a comment that this was my part time job. I explained to her that I don’t get paid to be there; I actually just volunteer because of I love them. She exclaimed, “That’s impossible”, several times. Another girl said, “But Miss Sarah you have to have a job for money, it’s impossible”. I told them God said to come and take care of the kids and I listened.

Now I feel like it is all for nothing…what a waste of my time to keep giving to these kids when the staff members there don’t back me up.

My jeep was fixed yesterday but now the check engine light is on so it appears I have to bring it back tomorrow. Either way I at least could drive myself back home after my terrible experience with the kids today.
I flipped open my bible with tears in my eyes to try and see what to do and I saw this:

Blessed are you who hunger now, For you will be satisfied

Blessed are you who weep now, For you will laugh

Blessed are you when people hate you

When they exclude you and insult you

And reject your name as evil

Because of the Son of Man

Luke 6:21-22

I have a choice.. I can either swallow my Pride and go back tomorrow and take the verbal abuse for the younger kids. Or I can choose to give up. Is little Happy Feet, J’noy, Davi, Angel, Samaje, and Dilani worth it?

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Presented with a challenge

Since the Lighthouse after school program unexpectedly closed down for a week I can now devote more energy at the other club and God put some inspiration into my heart at around 2am on Thursday. Filled with excitement by the time 7am rolled around I had a plan, 5 devotional type crafts for 5 days at the boys and girls club.

Thursday : Honor your Parents
Friday: Tell the Truth
Monday: Forgiveness
Tuesday: Decisions
Wednesday: Sheep

Then have the kids present each craft every day and share what they learned. One boy was scared to be on stage but I told him I also fear public speaking and if I can do it he can too. He fell on his butt from running up the stair and all the kids laughed but he survived and even said a word or two. When we worked on the second craft today he just kept talking about how scared he was but he said it all with a smile on his face.  I suppose as frustrating as it is with all the screaming and chaos of lack of rules at the club it’s worth it for 20 minutes of one on one time with some kids craving attention. If I can keep tackling a small group at a time than perhaps something will rub off on the kids.

Little J’noy worries me, he has taken to being depressed much more and I tried to ask him why but he just won’t say. It was nice to see him perk up a bit on the stage when he showed his craft, I think maybe he smiled. (he’s on the left in both photos.

 

Healing Eyes

Kids are teaching me about love

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child, burst into song, shout for joy. You who never were in labor, because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband.” Isaiah 54

Your tent will open wide and the children will love you. Even as yesterday when Carla asked why all the kids love me. Shout for joy, you who never bore a child, because more are the children of a desolate woman than of her who has a husband. How beautiful to see the meaning behind those words after years upon years of them sitting in a little book waiting for one day to be read.

Burst into song – remember no more the reproach of your widowhood! Love the children beyond what you have known in the past. For the past is just that.

Give song to me again…even if it is all a mystery as to why things happen as they did. Why so many years of being childless…so that I could live now for each child needing love amidst their suffering.

Bring it on!

Healing Eyes

Simple blessings amidst suffering

Life teaches us more than what we find in textbooks. Our greatest teacher of obedience is through suffering. From great loss, such as death of a loved one, to our daily failures we suffer over and over. Each time we learn something new about ourselves and how we react will be a witness to others.

I have no jeep. On an island that means I have to wait for the new radiator to be shipped over and then hope the post office will release them in a timely manner. There is no loaner car from the local dealer. There is only waiting. Waiting on the kindness of others and waiting on the mechanic. Good news I have raised $325 towards my new radiator, half way there.

This has forced me to again be still and have patience. Lots of time to read and listen…be guided to act and to wait on things. This experience again reminds me that I am not in control. I am at the whim of my invisible friend. Yesterday at the club I felt so small and useless with the kids yelling and not being able to reach each kid to help with homework. Little J’noy speaks so softly and is trying so hard to be noticed but the other kids over power him. J’shaun (I call him ‘J’) is my smart kid. I saw him working on his homework while the other kids were running around like monkeys. We sat down at a picnic table and worked through his alphabetizing and math (of which my math sucks). He wanted to get the homework down before power hour I think because it’s so loud during that hour of homework time that he can’t think. I don’t blame him, its pretty impossible to really get anything done during that time. Later I had J’shaun help with the other kids by pointing to the misbehaving ones and he would tell that kid to come over to me. He’s really a great helper. It’s shocking that during summer camp he was actually loud and misbehaving but now he is polite and kind.

Little happy feet got a big hug from me before I left, I picked her up and swung her around. She said she loved me and I said I would be back on Friday. ‘See you on Friday she yelled’.

Almost forgot the cutest part of the day. I shared photos of my day at the beach with Olaf the snowman from the movie Frozen. The kids found that quite humorous that I made Olaf’s dream come true.

I dare say I am in danger of falling in love with all these kids.

Healing Eyes

Answering the call again

After much back and forth on prayer with God and perhaps some stubbornness. I have taken the next leap of faith in what he is asking me to do. First though yesterday I heard a bible story about Gideon and him asking God to give him a sign..something about making the morning dew not appear on a wool fleece and that would be a sign that the request was from God. Then he didn’t believe it when God did it and he said alright make everything else dry and just the wool fleece damp. So it took a couple tries for Gideon to believe what God was telling him to do.

I haven’t been laying a wool fleece outside my door (although I wonder if that would work in modern days hmm) but I have been putting off what God said to do and asking for signs. This morning I sat down on my porch and prayed that if he wanted me to pull the trigger and dish out the money to start the paperwork for forming a business and the non profit status that he would make it clear to me right away to do it. So then as I’m sitting outside I get a call from the ‘legal people’ wanting to answer all my questions I was procrastinating on. In my mind I still think this is a ludicrous plan and seriously impossible to accomplish, I mean the logistics are maddening on how to pull this off, and the fees are large. But I can’t refuse a blatant phone call after praying about what to do….so there you have it. I pushed the button and awaiting to hear if the business name “Healing Eyes, Inc.” is approved and then await the IRS to approve my tax exempt request which will take months I’m told.

Why the name, Healing Eyes? Well…

“Healing eyes comes from what we cannot see. Most often through life we can allow pain to imprison our minds and guide us numbly through life. God promises to be our light in times of trouble and our loving Shepard if only we surrender what is precious to us. Pain can cause blindness but it also can be a gift from God if we hand it over… Let go to breathe.”

“Through brokenness is pain. After the blindness of pain is lifted we can see with new eyes. Without loss it’s harder to truly know joy.”

“I reached the end of self by losing everything! Being set free at last!”

 

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