• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: let go

But its not how I imagined it

Often we complain about a life we wish we had and do everything the opposite of what God had in mind.  We ask Him to fix our lives and do this and that, but maybe all along he is trying to help but we refuse because its not done the way we think it should be. This is what I have been asking for. A life that’s full of adventure, travel, and not spent in routine each day. I’ve asked him to send me to Africa and to move the pieces of my life around to accomplish this goal. I want to help widows and orphans, build something larger than myself and comfort others in pain. To use my loss to further His plans for me. I think it was about a year ago when I started praying for that.

Since that time I have been to Africa 4 times, found a village with widows and orphans, been connected with people in Africa that can be touch-points over there, and He even answered my prayer about a place to live in Michigan while I am going in between countries. So if I lay out all the pieces it seems God has been answering prayers and quite sneakily moving the pieces around to accomplish my first said wish which was to be in Africa.

Human nature then kicks in and I regret my first request because to continue this mission it means sacrificing my comforts and my ideas. Now logically if I really trusted God I wouldn’t even worry about making sacrifices because it ultimately accomplishes the request to be in Africa and live a life of adventure and un-normal existence.  So why am I so conflicted?

It all comes down to TRUST! Do I trust Him to take care of me in a remote country where the danger level goes up and my comfort level goes down? Safety net gone along a very skinny tightrope. Will he catch me?

That’s the gamble in my human brain. But all shouldn’t matter when my soul will live on even after this short time on earth and why not live it to the extreme?! Why settle for less than what I want.

 

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Snapshots of a journey

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What’s your story?

Who is this person?

I hardly recognize her…over the past 1 Year 9 Months and 1 Day a lot has changed….

Lost everything, Found Everything Again in God my first love, Found kids liked me, Found a new Me, Found Africa, Made friends on the other side of the world…ALL because…I took Faith and put it into Action even when it seemed impossible.

If we are not to boast about what God does in our lives to others how can others know the abundant life awaits them with One Step into uncertainty?

I almost am embarrassed by my story since it’s so small to the enormity of Loss being experienced elsewhere in the world. Sometimes reminders are good of where we were and where we are now going. I can’t wait to have a new video up of the Current Sarah and the Current Healing Eyes Ministry miracles.

September 19th 6pm. Healing Eyes and its partners presents
Whoa! Benefit Concert (1100 Henze Rd, Comstock Park, MI)

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Why should you care?

Scared to Death…Saturday is FASTLY approaching and somehow I have to show up confident and NOT a basket case to talk for 10 minutes in front of who knows how many people.

What am I talking about?

The WHOA Benefit Concert is THIS Saturday at 6pm at Family of Christ Church. Two amazing local bands are playing and one of them has taken over the entire planning…THANKFULLY! What do I have left to do but PRAY and pull my photos together in order for God to touch hearts in 10 minutes of me babbling on about Africa.

Why should you care?

Don’t…there are tons of other organizations doing huger relief efforts than me and they are experienced in doing it. A sure thing investing money in them. BUT what if we aren’t investing MONEY into Africa but instead we seek to invest in COMPASSION and LOVE? Could that me the niche for Healing Eyes that is sorely needed? To NOT throw material things at a problem but instead throw God, Love, and Compassion to those in need? It’s not physically tangible at FIRST but if you could see the smiles and the ripple effect of unselfish love given in order to just Build a Relationship. Later on the buildings and supplies can come but in truth we first need to just add that ‘flavor’ to the world and see how God can twist it into HIS plan. If that plan means buildings and supplies down the road than great…let HIM do it and not US.

All God wants is willing participants in HIS Plan and If Healing Eyes and little Sarah can be a partner to his plan and see what happens that HOW awesome would it be to connect more people in the GRAND scheme of HIS.

Join us This Saturday for MUSIC and fun. Should be some pizza slices to purchase and of course you get to hear a bit more about what Healing Eyes is up to with Project 616

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Will Africa expose something?

Soon I will be getting on a plane again and this time traveling to a country beyond my experiences so far. It has been on my list of places to discover and now I’ll be serving there for 2 and half weeks alongside another Non-Profit.

It has been a hard two weeks with the holidays and facing memories left dormant from when he passed away. Each time I pull at the wound and discover new things about myself. Now I leave again and without a clear direction or what to expect. My internet connection will be limited and so blog posts may decrease but rest assured when I get back I am sure something will be different in me again. What I do with that is a huge unknown but at least I would have listened to a dream in me. A dream to travel and explore, to see how others live, and how others cope. This world is vast and not everyone lives the so called ‘comfortable’ life. Can I survive in such an environment? Only one way to find out….and that is to Go!

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Love hate relationship

There is a mosquito hunting me. I can hear him buzzing in my ear and then he’s gone. One mosquito can cause so much frustration!

and that leads me toooooo…. MY JEEP

It’s a love hate relationship with my jeep. We might be on the mend again with our friendship as long as she keeps cool and doesn’t blow her lid again. Her radiator cap was the problem today and hopefully it’s snuggly secure and won’t let off steam anymore. I am going to ignore the burning smell by the driver’s side tire, hoping it was just a random smell and not the brakes or something worse.

Now that mosquito may be carrying a virus that I do not care to experience and yet it really wants to share it.

Card from my favorite girl

Today Grecia made me a cute card that I wasn’t expecting. She was very quiet and well behaved which I also was not expecting. So even though it seems everything else around me is buzzing at least today I was blessed with this beautiful card..

It seems me going to Africa is having a bigger impact than I had thought on the kids. I started going through my stuff in order to downsize a bit in order to have room to ship donations back to Michigan with me for Africa. I am always downsizing and packing, never able to stay settled long in one place. It has some positives but really hard to feel at ease anywhere. It’s preparing me for something more in life, hardening my shell as one of my past managers would have said.

Every little thing is gonna be alright!

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Perseverance worked yesterday

Much better day with the kids. Hot and muggy but no tears and mean words. The kids were super lovey today. Happy feet gave me the longest hug and told me I was a good person (yes in those exact words).

I brought my bracelet maker today and the kids taught me how to make rubberband bracelets with just my two fingers. The boys actually were the ones most interested and very talented. It was a great motivator for good behavior and manners. it was quite funny, we started with about 5 kids but then when the van arrived with a huge load of kids I said, “quick pack it up before they see”. Otherwise all the kids would be grabbing and it would have been chaotic. One girl really understood me and rushed to quick hide the loom.

There was this small boy who over the week keeps finding me. He pulls out his big piece of paper I had been teaching how to make flowers on. He asks me to show him how to make a new flower each day. So cute and odd how he keeps bringing that piece of paper back to me. I wish I knew his name. He’s one of the few boys who complains about how loud it is there. He wishes everyone would stop screaming all the time.

So yesterday was awful but today was a blessing. I got hugged, loved, and treated nicely:)

The Jeep update: My Jeep is ‘running’ but it needs a tune-up now for the distributor. I won’t complain though because it would be triple the cost if it was a newer jeep. So yay this will only break me by $220. Pray that God will keep providing and doors will keep opening up.

I am thankful for free Wifi courtesy of my awesome neighbors. I am thankful for my girlfriend Renee who is going to be my roomy soon. I am thankful for the sun. I am thankful my Jeep starts. I am thankful for the kids who hug me. I am thankful the mosquitos are not too bitey. I am thankful I have gallons of drinking water. I am thankful for Becca who sends me goodies. I am thankful for Cindy who prays for me. I am thankful for my Parents who are proud of me… and I am thankful for my Olaf who keeps me company at night.

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Simple blessings amidst suffering

Life teaches us more than what we find in textbooks. Our greatest teacher of obedience is through suffering. From great loss, such as death of a loved one, to our daily failures we suffer over and over. Each time we learn something new about ourselves and how we react will be a witness to others.

I have no jeep. On an island that means I have to wait for the new radiator to be shipped over and then hope the post office will release them in a timely manner. There is no loaner car from the local dealer. There is only waiting. Waiting on the kindness of others and waiting on the mechanic. Good news I have raised $325 towards my new radiator, half way there.

This has forced me to again be still and have patience. Lots of time to read and listen…be guided to act and to wait on things. This experience again reminds me that I am not in control. I am at the whim of my invisible friend. Yesterday at the club I felt so small and useless with the kids yelling and not being able to reach each kid to help with homework. Little J’noy speaks so softly and is trying so hard to be noticed but the other kids over power him. J’shaun (I call him ‘J’) is my smart kid. I saw him working on his homework while the other kids were running around like monkeys. We sat down at a picnic table and worked through his alphabetizing and math (of which my math sucks). He wanted to get the homework down before power hour I think because it’s so loud during that hour of homework time that he can’t think. I don’t blame him, its pretty impossible to really get anything done during that time. Later I had J’shaun help with the other kids by pointing to the misbehaving ones and he would tell that kid to come over to me. He’s really a great helper. It’s shocking that during summer camp he was actually loud and misbehaving but now he is polite and kind.

Little happy feet got a big hug from me before I left, I picked her up and swung her around. She said she loved me and I said I would be back on Friday. ‘See you on Friday she yelled’.

Almost forgot the cutest part of the day. I shared photos of my day at the beach with Olaf the snowman from the movie Frozen. The kids found that quite humorous that I made Olaf’s dream come true.

I dare say I am in danger of falling in love with all these kids.

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A Small Life

The approach to raise $5,000 for 5 months of service on the island wasn’t the right approach. Well it felt right at the time, thinking of how will I make it after quitting my reliable paid salary job. Every two weeks I got a check that would let me buy food and pay for lodging. It was a very enticing lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong…I miss it terribly! That was one of my passions that is now gone. The laptop is in the FedEx box waiting to go back to Michigan.

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I just finished listening to another sermon from Ada Bible. For some reason last sunday’s and this sunday’s keep resonating with me. From the Ant Power to now the Barb Wire discipline. Over last week I would remind myself to be like an Ant, be consistent and diligent even if it was hard. Every morning drag myself out of bed even if I didn’t want to. Eat food even when I don’t want to. Now today I am reminded its the Slow and Steady commitment I am after in my life. My blog is the most consistent thing in my life. It’s always been there for me. I consistently update it even if I don’t like what i’ll write about or how it might affect others. I try to be raw in my writing even when it sounds depressing. Life is broken!

Yesterday I got a gift from someone I never met in Michigan but talked to over email. I am realizing its not My journey now, it’s everyones journey. For the people that can’t pick up and just go, sell everything, live off faith, be a free spirit…that isn’t something everyone can just Do. Inside us all is a passion to make a difference, to touch lives, and to make an impact. Not like what I am doing is that impactful, half the time I feel like I am failing and I see no fruit from my labor. Perhaps when little Divani at the club says, “you came back”, makes a difference in my perspective. It’s not just those moments that make my heart feel good, actually my heart leaps when I see friends and strangers joining me in this adventure. The adventure to live life to the fullest and to not wait for my life clock to run out. Andy didn’t know he was going to die at 34, if he had then he would have lived more abundantly. I want others to feel this amazing gift of compassion, denying self, and pain for others.

It’s the sum of the smalls that wins hearts. It’s the sum of the moments that make a life. It’s living beyond what we think is possible that makes it all worth it. I want to live a resilient life by longing for more than what this broken world can give me.

Yesterday God gave me another $60 thru one of his family members. My Paypal account was empty from paying rent and then he filled it back up with $60.

Everyone can’t have their Mountain top experiences. Life altering moments that rip everything away and we are left to start all over. I pray that not everyone gets that wake up call. It’s not pleasant and it scars you. Every morning I need my eyes constantly reopened to what is around me. I hate being slow at things! I hate being patient! I want everything Now and then act on it. My lesson to learn is patience and resilience. Doing great things over and over again!

It really is the smalls 🙂

 

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VBS continues

What if all that we do each day is pointless?

What if the little things could add up to more?

As much as I don’t want to refer back to me and Andy’s days trying to have kids it seems something I can’t avoid. We tried for over 8 years to have a baby and failed miserably at it. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be and making the choice to stop is a hard one. We invested so much time and money into making a family that it became a mission almost.

Now I am almost done with my first week teaching kids at VBS. Whatever would Andy think of all this? I can’t even imagine since I can’t remember ever seeing Andy play with kids. Deep down he wanted a child but I think to not hurt me he tried to downplay it. We talked one night about how if we were to try adopting we would never have a mini Andy running around. We weighed the pros and cons of that and decided to give up the ‘natural’ way of having a family. When Andy got sick we were almost thankful we never succeeded at children. We still talked once and awhile about how if he was gone that there would be no living legacy of him. I would be left alone and no little version of Andy would be around to comfort me.

Yesterday I was feeling sick but I still started setting up the classroom with the color sheets and crayons. Sitting in the tiny kid chair reading the lesson plan and feeling sad. Then a little kid snuck in and said Hi to me and wanted to see what sneaky stuff I was up to. I told her she’s too early and needed to go eat her food. She said ok but before she left she asked me, “Can I give you a hug first?”

Was that Andy? In that brief second was he looking down at me and trying to encourage me with a hug? It’s hard living on after he’s gone, it’s hard trying to be someone different without sharing it with someone. The days don’t get easier after you lose your husband. Every night the tears come and I curl into a ball missing Andy but that darn sun still rises and still pushes me to get up.

First two days of VBS we had 12 kids, then we had 18, and then there was 21!

 

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