• sarah@healingeyes.org

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Faith Walk

This morning I woke up from a bad night of druggy sleepiness and a heart grieving my Andy. It was early morning and I was just in time for my first sunrise. I finally saw the sunrise over the ocean!

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I splurged and made scrambled eggs with tortilla shell for a wrapper. I flipped open my bible and followed a few verses around that talked about bringing the good news to others and coming down from the mountain with beautiful feet to share God with others. Eventually it led me to the book of Nahum, which I never knew existed. So I figured why not read it, it was a short chapter so pretty easy. It turns out it is a story about a little prophet named Nahum who went to Ninevah. Hmmm Ninevah? Ok that is a theme I keep hearing lately with Jonah and how he didn’t listen to God and ended up in a fish. For example, I was having the feeling of me not listening entirely to what God was saying and feared I would end up in a fish myself. I asked God this morning to let me in on the secret a bit more on if I am to leave my job and if so maybe a date would be nice. Instead he talks to me about mountains and pretty feet and then Nahum. Ok, well Nahum did what he was told to do and wrote about the destruction of Ninevah. I don’t know what happened to Nahum but he did do what he was told to do and didn’t end up in a fish like Jonah.

We will leave the story there for now… and get to my morning activities.

I volunteer on Thursdays at the Catholic church since my other place doesn’t serve breakfast on Thursdays. On the way over I asked God to please let me get a hold one particular girl’s mother and also help me with my Jeep.

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So this morning I got the courage up to talk to a man that has been trying to get my attention. Previously he said he knew a mechanic and that he also wanted to show me more of the ‘real’ islanders. I was dragging my feet on that since I was scared and worried about going out of my comfort zone. This morning though since one of the versus I read said, “Don’t be afraid”, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked about the mechanic. So after breakfast I walked with him to my Jeep and we drove off to the mechanic on some side street in a ‘shady’ side of town…and it was across from his house with his four dogs.

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Now this is where the day goes to two words, ‘Holy S**t’. Seriously those are the only words I can use to express how unpredictable and unplanned the day unfolded before my eyes because I said, “Alright God, lead me”. God really does plan out his plan in the details. I can’t even begin to put in words how everything is making more sense to me now. But I have photos of some of it:)

Now yesterday I was really angry at my Jeep and not having Andy around anymore to play cars with. I told this to Rodney the mechanic and we had a great conversation. Just imagine standing in the hot sun in a little street by a garage and he is telling me about how I can’t let my grief control me and that if I do it will destroy me. He found it cool when I said I played on cars and enjoyed it, not many females work on cars on the island I guess. So this might be a door that just opened to still work on cars and make an island friend. He offered to teach me to work on cars again. God is soooo crazy!

So I might just have a mechanic now:)

Moving on…I then went downtown with a friend and he took me to the projects (low income housing). The goal here was to let others know that they shouldn’t mess with the White Girl because I know the ‘Major’ (that was my friend’s street name). So I don’t know all the history behind this but I do know that you don’t mess with the Major. Anyways, he introduced me to this wonderful old lady that sells these ice pop drinks for .25. She had the cutest dog! I also got to use her bathroom. So not only did i get a safe introduction to the projects but I also got an amazing cold drink for free. She didn’t charge me since I am a new customer. I could go on and on how this new connection will benefit my time here but you’ll have to keep reading my journey to see how that unfolds. I just know that now, some of them know who I am, and WHO I know, that way when I work with the kids there that might just work into God’s plan (yea God knew that was coming).

To finish off the story he then takes me for ‘lunch’. Little do I know its at this other soup kitchen the locals go to for lunch time. The food was ok, not anything to write about. The people that visit this establishment are, well, interesting because some of them are the same ones that go to the Lighthouse but HOLY COW are they different. I am sooo glad I had a body guard with me. Imagine reality tv shows where everyone is screaming and cussing at eachother for no reason. Well that was my lunch environment. God wanted me to be out of my comfort zone and so he definitely succeeded! However, after you get used to the strange behavior of the slightly intoxicated and drugged up guys it wasn’t that bad. They are actually pretty nice guys and have some core values. RESPECT is huge in this group. If you don’t have respect than you are considered dirt. There is a high respect for treating a white girl there too.. first of all you don’t touch the white girl! That’s forbidden fruit! I guess I am known as the ‘New Whitey’…so that’s an interesting fact I learned after eating lunch and then ‘liming’ on the street corner. ‘Liming’ i slang for hanging out and doing nothing.

If you decide to follow God and he has a plan for you…and this plan is something that will open your eyes and heart to people you never ever ever imagined to be in contact with…then by the end of your day you will be exhausted. Between the heat, adrenaline, and fear my body is wasted. I know that God wants me to see every aspect of this island and when I agreed to coming here I never imagined what that might mean. I am sitting in my little apartment by the ocean and feeling very safe and secure but I can’t help but feel a heartache for the people I saw today, broken and real people that are sharing the same island with me. The ‘down islanders’ like the mechanic Rondey are amazing people…yea I just met him but what a great spirit he has and what a contrast between him and street guys that are strung out on crack and filled with such pain.

I can’t promise my blog posts will be all happy times by being on an island.. I can promise they will be honest and I hope as the days go by start to unravel with God’s plan.

I forgot one thing! I found that special girls’ mother!!!!! She was at the bar/restaurant working and a friend translated for me how I loved her daughter and wanted to help. She was shocked that a white girl would come all the way down looking for her daughter, I guess that’s not normal for people to CARE. She has my phone number and here’s hoping she calls me.

I also learned the fist slam handshake..you bump knuckles and then hit your chest. Yea, this will be an interesting ride!

Healing Eyes

This is a confession of a young widow who sometimes just can’t do things she used to do when married. My weakness of grief won this afternoon again. It happened last week too where the same trigger annihilated me.

 Meet the adversary:

 

This jeep has become my reminder of a time gone. A time where Andy and I worked on cars together… a time when Andy and I went to junkyards together looking for parts…a time when Andy would take care of minor things on cars…a time when Andy and I would decide what car to purchase….a time when Andy was alive.

This Jeep is a thorn in my side. This Jeep is my reminder that now I am a widow and that there is no Andy to rely on.  My Jeep window fell off the other day from rusting thru on its little peg that inserts into the door panel. Now I can live without this, if it rains I just get wet but most of the time its sunny and when it does rain the cold water feels nice. But really it would be nice to have a window.  Today I went to see a welder about an option to fix it…it proved to be too costly and pressed that darn button of grief in me. So what did I do? I went home and took some Tylenol PM so I could just sleep the rest of the day away while crying to a friend about how much I missed Andy. It wasn’t about a stupid window or a Jeep that needs brakes fixed and/or has an exhaust leak. It was about the fact that Andy is gone and that no more will I play cars with Andy. No more will he and I change the oil on a car, no more will he fix the car when I can’t.

My need is a simple one. I need a window, possibly two when the other goes. I need to take the Jeep to get the brakes looked at see what the cost will be (which will be ridiculously high since its an island).

The deeper need is impossible to buy my way out of. My husband is dead and that past life can’t be wished back to existence. That bond with someone is gone and so dies with it the Sarah that could wake up and see Andy tinkering away in our driveway with cars.

Goodbye my mechanic Andy.

Goodbye my loving husband.

Goodbye my partner… the countdown to our wedding anniversary has begun..6 more days!

(I just broke down and paid $8.00 for a frozen pizza, I just couldn’t buy the $2.99 Pizza for One…too depressing)

Healing Eyes

Moments caught

Moments from the Lighthouse Ministry on St Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands…my new home.

How do you rebuild a life after death? Get up each morning and breathe…then a whole lot of faith since most likely your strength will end the minute you step outside into the light of day. I wouldn’t be living where I was right now and making the choices I am making if I didn’t give up my needs first. Each day I wake up and decide again to not do what I want but what I should do. If God wants to still use this broken heart for others than I’ll follow. It’s not all smiles and it sure isn’t easy. Almost a year ago I was on a plane with my husband to enjoy a week in Jamaica for our 13th wedding anniversary… 6 months before he was to die. And next week it will be 6 months since he died on December 15, 2013.

Healing Eyes

Old Lighthouse Hike

I write to speak for the broken hearted.

I write to share the pain of those who lose heart.

I write to soothe my soul.

This morning started early with a hike up to the old lighthouse on the other side of my island. It took forever to get there. One thing to learn is that things seem to take longer than you think on this island of only 27 miles in length. If you live in the states and enjoy all of those straight roads and endless smooth concrete than you can’t understand how it can take an hour to get to the other side of a small island in the ocean. It was early and we had already missed our chance to see the sunrise over the ocean but we still journeyed on. For some strange reason we ran into a traffic jam in the rainforest. I have only experienced one other traffic jam on this island and it was where you would expect it, by buildings and street lights. It was very odd that at 6am we ran into several sloooow moving vehicles in the rainforest.  For some reason they didn’t like the potholes and slowed and swerved for each one. Now my friend who was driving usually doesn’t bother with the formality of slowing for a huge crater in the road, why bother when the roads are essentially made up of a series of holes that once was a concrete path.

The hike up to the lighthouse was steep and picturesque, complete with spider webs and hermit crabs. Oh and some really gross looking slug creatures. Once we arrived the sun was up already and hiding behind a cloud. A very ominous cloud floating above the ocean. The sun was stubborn though and reflected on the waves below the cloud and it was a sight to see! We climbed the tall tower and sat on top of the world watching the splendor before us. It only seemed fitting to play the song I had played at Andy’s funeral, Amazing Grace ‘My chains are gone’.

Andy’s chains are gone! His body is free and his pain is gone. God took it away in the end when he finally believed. In his last hour of life he believed and his chains were gone, he was set free, his God and Savior rescued him. His mercy overwhelmed Andy and he took his final breaths of peace…

This earth is temporary. The sun is fleeting and the clouds are many. But God is calling to end the pain of this earth. Last night I fell asleep, alone, listening to Amazing Grace, a song I have avoided for some time because it makes me cry. I walked behind his coffin with a flower in my hand and Amazing Grace played. I took one final look at Andy and slipped the tiny purple iris into his coffin and said Goodbye.  Last night I faced that song head on and cried out to the lyrics while listening to the wave crash outside…I must have eventually fallen asleep. A night with no scarey nightmares of Andy suffering over and over in my head, a night with no dreams in fact.

 

 

Healing Eyes

Why do I have a guitar?

The day started without one and now I appear to have one in my possession.

I have learned about 3 cords that I think I still remember and my fingers are a bit numb and red from pressing on the wires. 

Guitar

It all began because this morning I was filled with grief. Sometimes the grief comes in waves and drowns me. I am learning to admit to my weakness of grief and seeking help from God to navigate thru it. It seems today the answer was ‘Guitar’. So sure why not I’ll try it…if all else fails at least I can say I know 3 chords.

You know how sometimes you know you need to share your feelings but you don’t want to. Most of the time you just shove them back inside and suffer thru your day? Well this morning I decided not to do that. Instead I unloaded on a friend about the stabbing pain in my heart that comes with losing a partner. I lost my partner, my life line, my strength for all of my adult life.

Yesterday I found out the manager of the condo house sits until November. That was a bit saddening to hear because now I am alone in this little building by the Sea. Yes, the other building is just a few feet away and my other friend lives there but one thing you come to realize on the island is that things seem farther way than they appear. Something about the heat that slows you down and makes things seem faaaaar away. Anyways, I was sad and again felt like God wants me to be alone in order to to teach me to lean on him. Why does God have to be so greedy? What makes me so special that he wants me all to himself? Grrr I scream because I really am lonely at night. The waves crashing on the surf is quite nice but it doesn’t hold me at night. I suppose I will have to start to learn to accept my solitude and enjoy the ride.

Today was a long day and filled with so many unexpected blessings. I decided to take a mini half day vacation and went to the beach. Yes yes a beach! How Cliché! But this one is the far end of the island and is very secluded. Don’t fear I did not go alone because that would be slightly dangerous. I tried snorkeling again, I am not a huge fan of it but I am on an island so I should give it a shot. A sting ray decided to visit me and that freaked me out a bit but I survived.

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After my beach/hike escape I found out that it was the last night for the kids club at the church. This meant I could find Gracie one more time. I went expecting to just be happy finding Gracie and instead God put another lady into my life again. She was a nice lady I met when I first came to the island, we shared some tears the last time. I was sitting in the white plastic chairs and she walked in, at first she didn’t recognize me but then a flash of recognition lit up her eyes. ‘Miss Sarah!’

We sat down and caught up a bit and she confessed something to me that made me laugh right out loud. ‘Sarah, I have to confess, and it might sound bad but I prayed for a white friend.’ That just made me laugh and smile so loudly. I said right back to her, ‘You know I also have always wanted a black friend’. So funny even now thinking back to that conversation on how straightforward that was.  She also happens to be my neighbor, it seems she has a house very close to my new place. So odd how when you least expect it you get a little blessing you never expected or asked for. So perhaps I won’t be so lonely.

At the end of the kids club the little girls hugged me and swarmed around me on the way to the church van. One girl asked if I lived here and I said that I moved to the island. She seemed happy about that. Another girl said she wanted to stay with me and they all walked close to me to the church van. When we got to the van a girl said she didn’t want to go home but I said come to church on Sunday and i’ll see you again. God knows why these kids want to see me again…they must be really craving love to need me. If I can make a bit of difference in there lives by just showing up then that’s enough reason to stay here on the island. I don’t know how but if God wants me to learn something and sacrifice my comfort for others than why not.

Tomorrow I am going to get up super early to see the sunset from the West end of the island. Should be amazing!  I don’t know what my future is but right now I am exhausted and feeling ‘ok’. This faith walk is exhausting, if you ever get bored in your lives and want to step out than be ready for a lot of ups and downs because God likes to be unpredictable and sometimes illogical.


 

Prayer request: I really need to get some wifi at my place and stop using my phone as a hotspot. It’s convenient but really limiting to my blogging.

bible lesson ball

 

Healing Eyes

Hop Hop

If God is for us, who can be against us? Rom 8:31.

If God gave up his son for us.. gave it all up.. how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

If God could give it all up for us (me) than why is it so ludicrous to think it’s not ok for me to give it all up in return? Why is it so hard to fathom that he wouldn’t take care of me if I gave it all up? If he is telling me to do one thing and that one thing is very clear in my head than why wouldn’t I say yes without any fear of the consequences. Shouldn’t we all support that kind of radical thinking and radical change if it brings about an abundant life?

I am laying in my bed right now in physical pain but the guilt of having such a nice place right on the Sea is weighing heavier than my body not feeling well. That’s kinda crazy? I can’t accept this abundant gift from God because I don’t think I deserve it, I’m just not religious enough for this journey. However, God has me right where he wants me, on an island dependent on him. Maybe since I am listening and following him then that’s why he gave me such a great place to rest and listen. Yes when I first got on island I was not living by the Sea but in a room provided by a very gracious and loving host. She gave me a launch pad from the airport to where God has now placed me. He has placed me in a very nice, clean, and safe residence. My condo is right next to a very friendly couple who manage the property and are a hoot to hang out with. They have made me feel at home and safe here in this oasis by the sea.

Now for anyone that knows me they would know I am not a bible verse person or a church goer. I can’t quote them off the top of my head and I doubt I ever will be able to. So I rely on others to inspire me and I’ll follow the bunny trail put in front of me with my handy study bible.

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2 Corinthians 6:10 – Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich, having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

The bunny trail then led me to..

2 Corinthians 8:9 – For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

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What if God wants me to live abundantly.. and what if I just have to live with that and appreciate it..

What if me taking the step forward in this ‘faith walk’ just means I have to take the blessings that inevitably comes with it? Ok, this doesn’t mean its always going to be peachy keen.  Those darn crazy ants are everywhere, I’m too cheap to buy food, and my jeep makes some interesting sounds. All of this is quite a step down from my Mini Cooper S, Mr2 classic car, and bug free 2 story house complete with AC. I lost a lot in coming here, I gave up a lot of my stuff, my Andy is gone, my dogs are gone, my cat is gone. The list could go on and on. But one thing I am realizing is a theme that if I give up things dear to me I may just get something to replace it and I might just appreciate it a whole lot more since I have a greater appreciation when reduced to lower expectations.  I shouldn’t limit what God can do because of my brainwashing to think if you follow something invisible than it most likely means it won’t be very good since I can’t really SEE it before I BUY it.

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Ephesians 3:20 – Now to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

I don’t want to just wake up and have one devotional for the day. I want that one devotion to lead me on a bunny trail to hop around and see other hidden gems in my day. I want my eyes to always be open and searching for more. Isn’t life about wanting more and more? Than why not more of the invisible?

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Romans 16:25-26 – Now to him who is able to establish you in accordance with my gospel, the message I proclaim about Jesus Christ, in keeping with the revelation of the MYSTERY HIDDEN for long ages past, but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all the Gentiles might come to the obedience that comes from faith!

Makes you think .. well makes me think? I love puzzles and connecting pieces. I think God knows that and he knew it all along and that’s why he is so vague sometimes with me. He likes it when I follow the breadcrumbs and get something personal out of the words in front of me. Words there all along but I couldn’t see because I didn’t want to. Maybe this all davinci code and conspiracy thinking but I sure think God is real and enjoys watching each of us figuring things out with a bit of prodding.

 

Healing Eyes

A story unfolds

I think God has a funny sense of accomplishing a plan. Let’s take someone who has been used to doing something for all of his or her adult life with a partner and then take that partner away. How does this person survive? That’s where it gets interesting because some people could just latch on to someone else to get him or her thru it. In my case I am latching on to someone I can’t see. That sounds so odd really. How can someone rely on an invisible man? Could a book really have all the answers to this person’s success or failure?

I started my journey of faith by packing up my minimal belongings onto a plane and landing on a tiny little island cut off from everything I ever knew. I emerged myself into a culture that has been foreign to me for years, the Christians. It’s a strange new world. I don’t like labels so let’s just call this culture a super nice group of people with lots of love.

Now the stage is set. Little island in the Caribbean and part of the US virgin islands. Palm trees, blue water, blue skies, and hot temperatures. It is an island in economic trouble and jobs are slim, food costs a lot, and water is only found thru a wallet and a ‘rain’ water machine. There are people who have money and those who don’t. There are children in need of love and direction. Really its just like any other place except for the whole water and sun thing, oh and the high prices, and bugs. Ok maybe it’s not quite like everywhere else.

This girl we shall call, the Young Widow, steps off the plane and feels the rush of heat and salt air on her skin. She smiles a little because it doesn’t feel quite as foreign as when she first got here. At first she can’t find her two totes of belongings but with some patience she locates them in a little office with a slightly grumpy lady. Sigh of relief. She loads them up on a cart and then waits by the curb for a ride. Sounds kinda funny looking back, a widow alone in an airport with just two totes and a carry on luggage waiting by a curb in the Caribbean.

The house she will call ‘home’ for an undetermined amount of time is familiar to her since it was the same place she landed 2 months before during her exploration phase. The room seems smaller and the heat is more intense. It feels a bit claustrophobic this time. Perhaps it’s the finality of the moment sinking in. The fact that the house is not hers, she has no car, and she has no idea what she is doing could be weighing heavier now.

What is the invisible companion up to? Perhaps he’s right by her side and guiding her weak body along, directing her path in a most uncomfortable route to encourage growth. If you imagine being dependant on another person for years and then now he’s gone you may feel disoriented and gimpy. Maybe this new friend knows what’s best to teach her how to walk again, how to feed herself again, how to wake each morning and decide to still breathe. During the dark nights he may comfort her with a presence that is unexplainable. Take away everything to rely on something foreign. Which seems ironic as now this girl is surrounding herself with foreign objects and people.

Each new morning in this place is difficult. The loss of a house is more traumatic than she had expected. It’s as if on top of the loss of a husband she now has no control of anything and no space to call her own. No comforts of her past life except clothes and books.  As the days go by she realizes how important those comforts were. Slowly her new friend introduces them back into her life to remind her how precious each of them are. A deeper appreciation of hot showers and electricity are fostered.

It’s hard to describe what a widow’s heart feels like. Let’s imagine a whole heart full of dreams and hopes for a future. Now apply pressure to it over a 2 year span and begin to chip away at its blood vessels. Choking off parts of the heart that supply oxygen so that parts of the body get sick from stress and worry. Each part of the body suffers from the introduction of a great suffocating pain. The pain of fear creeps into the heart and slowly takes over. With no way out it can fester. Now take the one person away that was keeping that weak heart pumping. This heart is now basically screwed because it has lost all its source of life.

The plan set before the girl is as clear as the words ‘Go’ at this point. Over time she starts to see it’s really a training course she signed up for. Lesson 101 on how to rebuilt a heart after all its life is sucked out.

  1. Get up
  2. Eat
  3. Optional cold shower
  4. Work and volunteer
  5. Read
  6. Write random words
  7. Eat
  8. Sleep

The invisible friend never leaves and is relentlessly working on his plan. Only letting her see glimpses of it so that she learns to follow by faith. He introduces a haven by the sea with a friend. He gives the opportunity to sleep there for a few days. He opens a door for a room to rent there. He closes the other doors to coral her into a narrow path of acquiring this room. The one bedroom condo is white and lofty, it overlooks a crashing sea at her feet. It has the bare necessities of living and is safe. All the while in her head she feels unworthy of such a lavish gift. The pain of her husband is lingering in her heart and is being used against her. In the middle of the night she awakes in a night sweat from a loud noise. The door had slammed shut and the curtains were blowing wild. Fear grips her little heart as she is used to curling up to another body who would say its ok…it’s just the wind. The voices start putting thoughts of fear in her head. She musters up the courage to turn the light on and open the door, slowly she embarrassingly looks around the corner and sees an empty living room. Crawling back in bed defeated by her fear she lets it continue and replays the last day of her husband’s life in a cold stark hospital room. All the sounds of the ICU come crashing back in as the waves outside her wind swirl in madness. There was so much pain in her husband’s eyes and fear of the unknown that awaited him in death. All of this reawakened in her heart from a door slamming in the middle of the night in a strange new home. The invisible friend tries to comfort but the voices are stronger in her head and crowd out that source of comfort. Pain and regret are the great immobilizers.

The morning comes and she lingers a bit longer in bed because getting up means facing another day alone. Another day with no companion to look forward to a future with. The thought of a hot shower finally woes her up out of bed. What a gift to have a quick hot shower at her fingertips.

She now has a stove too and a toaster! How perspective changes when you lose everything to rebuild. Eggs and toast. In the past her husband would have made eggs for her but this morning it’s her turn to do it. She is being taught how to care for herself. A dangerous line of being too independent though, which is an easy trap to fall into. In this new place there are still bugs, they are called Crazy ants, and they magically appear anywhere there is a crumb. So now it’s clean the dishes right after eating and leave no sign of food. Everything takes longer to do and with more foresight of consequences if not done correctly.

Healing Eyes

Lost Dreams

For the first time I am realizing I have no dreams left. All the dreams me and Andy had together are now gone.

 

We dreamt of having a bigger house and a large garage for all our cars.

We dreamt of having kids.

We dreamt of getting better jobs.

We dreamt of growing old together.

We dreamt of having a cabin in the wood in the U.P. together.

We dreamt of retiring together.

We put all our hopes and dreams on a life together forever.

 

Now

It’s gone…

Just like that there is nothing left of that dream.

 

I am sitting in a beautiful little condo by the Caribbean sean. The wind is blowing, the waves are crashing on the rocks literally feet below my deck…and I am sad..I am crying and clutching Andy’s wallet. His wallet untouched from the final day in the hospital. When I took his final belongings with me and his body went to a room I never saw. His sweatshirt he was wearing is now covering my laptop to keep the salt from ruining my computer. If Andy was here he would be going crazy about the effect of salt on electronics.

 

My dreams are gone… lost in the wind that now beats on the windows. Will I ever get it back? Will I ever dream of a life that doesn’t involve Andy? Right now it feels too soon and somewhat like betraying him to think I should live and dream with out him. Though I go to bed tonight and close my eyes I pray I dream of Andy and he smiles at me one more time. I feel his loving embrace and his eskimo kiss on my nose. If that were to happen I would wake smiling, knowing he is at peace and that I should be too. That is a fairy tale though. Life is far from a fairy tale.

Healing Eyes

Peaceful

I was angry when Andy died.

I was angry when Hope died.

I was angry when Adoption failed.

But this morning as I awake on the island at my friend, Beth’s condo by the Sea…I hear the waves crashing on the rock wall and the wind blow the palm tree on the window. I smile! I smile so wide because the pain is easing. The tears are slowing and my heart is thawing. I am not as angry as I was about losing Andy. I am not as angry as I was for losing Hope. How can I be when I have a new love that is slowly taking hold where all the empty was. The dark pit that consumed me and threatened to pull me under is getting smaller and smaller. Tomorrow I could easily fall back in, or the next day, or the next day after. I’ll let tomorrow worry about itself! Right now I realize how much God loves me…it’s crazy to say after so many years of living my own life. Living for myself and feeling the need to control the outcome of life. 

Let go to live!
Let go to BREATHE!

I have kids now. I was motherless but now I have several kids that like me.. dare I say Love me? Last night at kids club Gracie ran to me and latched onto my waste. Literally! She wouldn’t let go. I was walking around with an 8 year old girl strapped to my waste. It was nice to be hugged even if it still is a bit odd for me to surrender to a love of a child. Maybe it was God hugging me thru Gracie saying it will be ok Sarah. stop worrying about tomorrow or even today…isn’t it enough that you’re here doing what I asked you to? Let me work on your heart and teach you a new skill. Or perhaps its an old skill buried way down that I suppressed…maybe I’ve known how to be a kid all along.

The kids were playing on the field and Gracie and I went down there. Well I mean I walked down there with her attached to my waste. I tried to encourage her to play with the other kids but she refused. She is very stubborn! hmm reminds me of another person i know, Me. The other girls called out my name, Miss Sarah! A very small girl named, Magalina, hugged me:) She always falls asleep during the lesson, perhaps from the heat or maybe its because she is so thin and tiny.

I’m going off island for a week and I am sad about that. I just was getting comfortable and adjusting and now I have to be ‘business Sarah’ again. The look on Gracie’s face as I said I was going away for a week touched me. The look on Carla’s face when I said I would be gone on her birthday made me sad. It’s nice feeling wanted even if it is such a small thing that I bring to their lives. However, I think they like knowing someone loves them and wants to be around. It seems people come in and out of their lives often and they never know who is sticking around long term. I pray that God will keep me here a bit longer to build those relationships up and to learn all their names…maybe watch them grow a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not setting up roots here, but maybe just maybe I am learning some new skills about kids that I can take wherever I land. 

 

Healing Eyes

Working with kids can help mend old wounds.

Andy and I struggled to have kids of our own for several years… dare I say our entire marriage was shadowed by never being able to. I think looking back it might have slowly eroded that child like self in each of us. We had lots of fun together but we desperately wanted to share our love with another mini version of us. When that couldn’t happen we thought treatments could solve the problem. When that didn’t work we turned to adoption. But as our story unfolded that wasn’t to be either. The main thing I am starting to realize is that over the many years I hardened my heart to being around kids…it was such a huge part of Andy’s and mine dream that never came true that we buried the pain over the years. Better to avoid the pain and find other fun things to do or buy. It worked for us…we made it work.

So now what?

Andy is gone and I am alone to pick up the pieces. All that brokenness can be put to work it seems. God has found a way to weasel his way in and light a match inside my heart. It’s a very slow burn but it takes time to change…to change a way of thinking and living..to change perspective on life…

I am starting to look past my own pain and misery by helping others. I don’t know how much of a difference it is but maybe it’s the small stuff that works. We are used to always thinking we have to ‘do’ something and it has to be noticeable to mean it’s working, that we are impacting the world. What if it’s the tiny moments that over time snow ball into something more?

My afternoon was a happy one. Yes, I said it, I was happy. I started by making some mother’s day cards for the kids to color for their moms. Looking past my own heart ache of Mother’s day I succumbed to printing and unjamming a printer over and over to make 10 cards. Later I realized there was a copy machine that made it way easier to duplicate the cards. This coming Mother’s day would have been 4 years since our baby Hope miscarried. She had a wee little heart beat that just gave out unexpectedly in a very painful day before Mother’s day. Sadly Andy never got to hear the heart beat since he missed the doctor’s appointment but he was so happy to hear me share the experience. That day she died Andy and I grieved together.. I’ll never forget the look on Andy’s face when it happened. He tried to go into work that day while I was passed out on the couch but he turned right back around to be with me. That day killed a piece of our hearts…a piece that Andy never really got over until he died, his final words were he would take care of Hope in heaven.

I think it’s a small thing to hang out with the girls while they color and do there homework. I told one of the girl’s I would be up in a minute after I hung out with the 2 older girls. When I got upstairs she had been waiting to pick her colors for her card until I arrived. I was a bit surprised she was waiting for me and very glad I followed thru on my promise. So odd that a kid would want to hang out with me! When we finished coloring we took photos together and the two girls giggled and fought over who was in the picture. Adorable really.

One of the girl’s back downstairs was finishing up her card and when I saw the colors she picked I smiled. She colored just like I would have by alternating colors and outlining the teddy bear…very artistic. But she was shy and thought it was ugly but I assured her it was Amazing.

Gracia coloring her butterfly

Gracia and Perla

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but today was enough to know that coming back to the island was a good idea. If I were to die tomorrow I would feel good about listening to the voice in my head that said “Go”.

Helping with Homework

Helping with Homework

Healing Eyes