• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: life

Conversation at Sunrise

I am spending the night next to the Sea! Literally, I can hear the waves crash on the surf and I can smell the salt… and what am I doing… I am bawling my eyes out missing Andy. Guilt is weighing so heavy on me right now of the all the hospital visits I am starting to blur together in my head. This evening I tried to document them all and went back at my calendar to find correct dates and procedures. If I forget the last 2 years I feel like I am losing another piece of Andy. The piece of Andy that fought so hard and suffered so much. The piece of Andy that shined so brightly when facing death. This morning I realized he had such a peace…a wave of peace came over him in that hospital bed that was God’s doing. I saw it first hand and yet it took me months later to really come to grips with it.

This morning I sat on a beautiful patio overlooking the Sea and I was sad. Seriously?! Stop being sad Sarah!

Why is it that when I wake up I can’t be happy and free? Because when I awake I remember I can’t wake from my dream of forever being separated from you my love – my other self. I will forever awake each morning in mourning for you. The loss felt is forever etched in my soul.

While others smile and welcome the day I fear the pain to come.


 

Job 33:

In a dream, in a vision of the night,
    when deep sleep falls on people
    as they slumber in their beds,
he may speak in their ears
    and terrify them with warnings,
 to turn them from wrongdoing
    and keep them from pride,
 to preserve them from the pit,
    their lives from perishing by the sword.

 “Or someone may be chastened on a bed of pain
    with constant distress in their bones,
 so that their body finds food repulsive
    and their soul loathes the choicest meal.
 Their flesh wastes away to nothing,
    and their bones, once hidden, now stick out.
 They draw near to the pit,
    and their life to the messengers of death.
 Yet if there is an angel at their side
as a mediator to tell a man what is right for him..


Andy I knew the words to speak to you. You told me before you died I had a way of reaching you. That I always knew what to say. The day you died I felt useless and words seemed desperate to save you from death. I long to hear your voice again – even if for a flash. What joy I would feel – but quickly it would be replaced with agony as I know I never can feel your embrace again or your breath on my cheek.


and he is gracious to that person and says to God,

    ‘Spare them from going down to the pit;
    I have found a ransom for them—
 let their flesh be renewed like a child’s;
    let them be restored as in the days of their youth’—

“God does all these things to a person—
    twice, even three times—
 to turn them back from the pit,
    that the light of life may shine on them.


Speak no more of woes but take care my child that Andy lives, he lives in your heart and those that he touched with his struggle of life. His pain is gone and he smiles at the sight of you. One day when you wake the pain of separation will be replaced with peace — knowing that Andy is at peace in my arms.

Healing Eyes

Moaning widow

Why am I writing this pointless rant of my boring life. Am I blogging to sound important or to update followers? Just to hear myself rant and complain? Well for today it is for the pure joy of complaining and being completely disappointed in the the turn of my life. So if you want a fluffy, happy, encouraging blog than stop here because it’s gonna get ugly.


 

Let’s list out all the things I don’t have anymore:


 

  1. Husband
  2. Soulmate
  3. House
  4. Cars
  5. Puppies
  6. Cat
  7. Couch
  8. Safe bed
  9. Full time job
  10. Freedom
  11. Sanity
  12. Michigan weather
  13. Bathtub

 

Instead I have:


 

  1. A room
  2. 90+ humid air
  3. A bed with a Centipede in it while sleeping last night that chose to bite me in my upper thigh and it fricken hurt, still does hours later! They are creepy and fast bastards and I lucked out and met it last night
  4. Minimal electricity which means when the sun goes down at 6:30 I am in darkness
  5. Fast cold showers
  6. Books (several)
  7. Bible (2)
  8. Clothes
  9. Friends
  10. Skittles

 

Now then why am I doing this to myself? I have no idea! I can chalk this up to momentary insanity after losing a loved one and started hearing voices. Mid life crisis brought on by a traumatic event which led me to think I could change my life. So I am going to give it until July before going back home. Back in Michigan I can easily get an apartment for one person and 2 small dogs. Have a bathtub and running water I can drink. As much electricity as I want and no CENTIPEDES that crawl on me at night! Yes, this grieving widow is miserable and pissed at her current circumstance. Yes it is a pitiful sight to see. I have knee high socks on since my 3am incident out of fear of another bite (yes its 80+ here and I slept in Andy’s sweatshirt and wool kneehighs). It took me 3 hours before I fell asleep on top of the sheets since I didn’t want to cozy up next to another bug unexpectedly. Am I blowing the bug incident out of proportion? Maybe, but I don’t care… we all get a few moments in life where we can complain and be mad.

Andy called me in my sleep last night and I bolted for the phone.

“Where are you?! Andy, I need to know and I miss you!” – Sarah

“I’m at a friend’s house, why do you care? You left me anyways”. – Andy

I sobbed in my sleep..

“Andy I am so sorry, please let me come to you.” – Sarah

I woke up in a sweat and remembered I was in a bed not of my own and living on an island where I don’t belong. Reality sinks in and I want to run. In my dream I was looking for a first flight out of here but my Internet refused to work. Now I am fully awake and contemplating if I should look up those flights still but I won’t. I will give it until July before going.

There you have it…a blog post worth laughing at… the ‘I told you so’ post about why I shouldn’t have come. All the doubt I had about why not to come is true. Question is what will I do with it? Stay tuned…maybe my day will not be as I expect it to turn out. Until then I am going to lay here with Andy’s wallet and stare at photos of him and I together (yes that’s what this widow does when alone, supposedly it can be helpful when dealing with loss)

Healing Eyes

Sweat and tears

So it’s 80+ temperatures and instead of laying low and cool I went to help a new friend do ‘yard’ work. I say ‘yard’ work because this involved hauling very long palm branches from one side of the estate to another. Those suckers are heavy!

What am I doing here? I’m grieving Andy and living in someone else’s house, eating other peoples food, catching rides from other people, and sweating my butt off. It makes no sense !

Is my future to wander from place to place and do chores for other people in need? Am I to learn to like kids again? Am I to be a business woman ? Do I juggle it all? It hasn’t been two weeks yet but on the island, time stands still because the weather is always sunny … The seasons are hot, hotter, and rainy hot.

I got on a plane and came here out of faith (a single young widow). I’m trying to live by faith but it’s difficult when the real world realities are always there. We are supposed to trust God will provide … Will he provide money , food , happiness? Today’s society requires you have a job to survive .. Can God give me a job ? An unconventional job?

If I were to accept the challenge to live off what God puts in front of me … How long would I be sustained I wonder? Let go of control and society’s standards of living. Does it mean I’ll be in a cardboard box or the opposite…a house on the beach sipping rum. (Of which I hardly have gotten my rum ration on an island that makes rum!!)

Do normal ladies often do this sort of thing after losing a husband? Give it all up and moving to an island? Hearing a still voice in your heart saying , ‘go’, but not telling you why.
This has to be normal !
I miss my bathtub lol and my bike. Funny the things you end up missing when deprived of them. I should be grieving in luxury…tap water you can drink and long hot baths.

Do people really want to hear my ongoing story? What if I end up failing and my story ends quite anti-climatically. All the build up in the plot only to be disappointed in the conclusion.

Let’s take a vote … Should I continue with this journey and blog it all?
Or
Go back home to Michigan and stop blogging ? Closing the story of Andy and Sarah.

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Healing Eyes

One day

After a miserable night before missing Andy and doubting my future. Thinking about all the parts of my life that have gone wrong..such as..losing Andy, failing Andy, and losing all my belongings to God.

I woke up groggily and not looking forward to breathing. Dragging myself to the shower and praying that the water heater was not unplugged only to realize it was. So a cold shower to start a day I was already dreading. My breakfast consisted of an english muffin with peanut butter…only the bare essentials on that one since I’m lazy and watching the budget.

Even though my outlook on the day was gloomy God didn’t give up on me. Instead he decided to fill my day with online meetings and a lot of familiarity of my job. Just what I needed..some ‘normalcy’.  I even got advice from my boss about not working too hard and giving time to listen to God and not try and rush things. Needing to surrender more to his will and let him drive my weeks to come. Even though I have a looming deadline of May 15th where I need to know more of what I am to do…stay on island or leave island or really just some direction would be nice.  I even prayed this evening while sitting on a rock on the beach for guidance, silly me I was going to ask God to tell me what to do and a big wave slapped me in the face instead. So I understood that message…don’t worry right now about that one Sarah!

I found my favorite beach today…it reminded me of Marquette Michigan, my favorite place in the world. There are rocks you can climb on and perch up on like a little birdie or perhaps a cat laying out to bake in the sun. It had a nice little cubby hole of water that I could lay in that was warm and clear. So awesome!

Earlier in the day I met with a contractor that is going to help with construction of the medical center near the building #1 of Lighthouse Ministries. Very cool to watch how God made it so easy to start building…things can be easy when you let go. Am I to help out with this? Who knows but I was there today. Perhaps it’s all about just ‘being’ in the moment at the ‘right’ time.

Next hurdle is finding a car while on island. Needing to be patient on that one….time will tell if I get wheels or get to walk.

What do I need?
1. Car
2. Patience
3. Food
4. Bike
5. Fruit Gushers or Fruit Roll-ups
6. Gift Card to Kmart (yes there is a kmart on island!!)
7. Care packages with protein

Healing Eyes

I woke up in a sweat last night from a terrible nightmare. Andy was in the hospital and I went to find him but I couldn’t, no one knew where he was. So i insisted he was in ICU and that was where I left him. Finally he magically appeared. Sadly he looked awful…his head was tilted up and he had a oxygen mask on. His eyes were wet from tears and his face was contorted oddly. He had wires hooked up all over him and was was groaning in pain. The smell of the hospital was all over me, suffocating me in my sleep, a smell of hospital gowns and chlorine. The lights were bright and he was in a room with several other patients.. it felt so humiliating seeing Andy stripped down to nothing as if he was just a number in a line of sick hospital beds.

I held his hand tightly and cried, “I love you! I love you!”. Andy replied saying he loved me too, over and over we said these words. I told him please don’t go.. please don’t leave me..please stay.. over and over I begged him. He was laying on his side and crying with me crying over his shoulder. The nurse came in and prepared some pain drugs, it was a very large cocktail and I asked lots of questions about why so much and what they were. One of the drugs was a hippopotamus tranquilizer (why I don’t know).

Slowly the nurse pushed the drugs into his IV and Andy convulsed and slowly calmed down. Slowly he drifted off and his eyes died all over again. Over and over I see his eyes die in my dreams. At one point he crawled out of his bed and had no arms or legs. The nurse quickly scooped him up as if he was a baby and slammed him back in the bed. She yelled at me saying you have to keep him in that bed otherwise his IV lines will come out. I stared at Andy and cried, screamed for him to stay, Don’t leave me!!!

Then I woke up!

Back to reality of where I was. In a room in someone else’s bed wondering why am I here. Why the hell am I here? I am miles away from the familiar and alone in my bed. Andy is not there to comfort me after a nightmare…he can’t hold me or stroke my hair. Nevermore will he be and nevermore will I hear his voice. You can’t just erase 13 years of companionship, it stays with you like a ghost in the room. Quietly sleeping in my shadow until something stirs it and it suffocates me with its misery.

Sleep Andy.. and haunt my dreams no more. Speak softly to me with encouragement but please take those hospital memories away! Your agony and feeling of desperation of doing nothing to save you. I was helpless to save you. I failed you as a caretaker…that feeling of guilt will never go. I know it’s normal to feel this way but others out there must know they aren’t alone! There has to be a way to have peace about watching someone die and being helpless to stop it.

 

Healing Eyes

Cost is High

 

 

The juxtaposition of beauty — Palm trees and roaring waves in contrast to the high cost of living it.

Sticker SHOCK today as I went to get a few groceries to get by with… I spent $30 on 9 items, the grapes are what did me over as they cost about $5! The cereal box was $6 but I figured it has fiber and I need that. If I can eek by on minimal food but with some nutrients I might survive. Yes the ramen noodles are definitely NOT healthy but it is food and it will be easy to make since I don’t have a stove.

If I go back in a month than I’ll at least go back with a deep appreciation for the abundance of food State Side. If I survive long enough that is! I am cheap about food and I am lazy about food so this is going to be interesting. Let’s take bets on how long I last when I crave a Snickers bar.

Aside from the cost of food… I am still breathing, “barely”.

Day 1 almost done and I want to go home. Not gonna lie..I want to go home. I miss my dogs, I miss cooler weather, I miss my pathetic apartment, I miss friends and family, I miss Andy.  The last one I can’t really do anything about though but I still miss him. A year ago he was alive and we had a house and he was on the upswing (kinda).

Day 2… Let’s see what happens …

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Healing Eyes

Tuesday

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this island. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you  – Genesis 28:15

My Last Tuesday in Michigan…a peace comes over me as I realize Andy is smiling from heaven at this journey ahead. I know not how long it will be nor when I’ll return but ‘I go’.

On Sunday Ada Bible came and interviewed me in my empty apartment. I told them my sappy love story of pain and trials over the last 13 years. From infertility – to – adoption – to – cancer and finally – to – death. The cameras were intimidating and the questions struck hard but for some reason my voice kept coming sounding and words flowed out without knowing where they came from. Tears fell silently as the journey unfolded in a series of questions and answers that once spoken reaffirmed the choice to lose everything for more.

A life with more promises and more trials…

A life with more unknowns and more uncertainty…

A life with no Andy and no cancer…A life made broken to be filled again with new memories…

How precious memories are … even the difficult ones …

 

Healing Eyes