• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: stomach

I don’t know what’s worse..

Waiting for good news or bad.

A year ago we didn’t have to wait, the bad news just blind sighted us out of no where.  A blessing in a way because we couldn’t get worked up about what the bad was that came. This time we have had ample time to imagine the worse, dream up the best, and hypothesize over ‘what ifs’.

I prefer surprises over planned surprises. Shortly we will be back at the hospital getting a CT scan that may or may not tell us anything. Either way, whatever results come back this week will drag.

Healing Eyes

Round 2 ‘i think’

What’s the story dude!

Well yesterday we met with the Oncologist (who i just noticed is pregnant so thats delightful to have to see while going over the misery to come with chemo). I think Karma has a big bullseye on our foreheads and is just throwing everything all at once at it to see how much you can break a person.

We talked about the chemo plan, which really means we just stared at each other and said, ‘yup andy feels like poo still, yup he still isn’t holding his weight, and oh yea yup he has to do the same chemo regiment as prior to surgery’.  The only thing different is we are trying for the chemo pill so that he doesn’t have to be reunited with Philipé the pump again…mixed feelings on that one since we know what the side effects are like on that, we dont know what the pill will do to him.

We now wait for nurse Katie to call us and set up the game plan which most likely will start next week thursday. The sooner the better we say! Let’s get this shit over with and then get Andy back to work before he goes crazy from watching the Maury show.

None of this means we will ever be rid of cancer or live happily ever after. Lets get chemo done and then get on with the 3 month checkups for any reoccurrence of cancer somewhere else…then I guess we will go from there. YES ever the optimistic I am!

Healing Eyes

Scar tissue thickens

Oncologist still debating on next steps. Chemo most likely.. Radiation seems not an option but not positive yet.
Next Tuesday we go back to hear more hypothetical treatment to choose.
In next two weeks I bet Andy will be on chemo.
Now it’s not the treatment that really matters… It’s allowing ourselves to be happy knowing tumor is out. And to finally come to grips with the inevitable decision to not renew home study for adoption…. Our social worker would need to assess our marriage and our mental state once treatment is over…
Nothing like always being under a microscope to prove ourselves worthy of happiness. For most normal people they get the family and normalcy of being married with kids by now… But that’s not our journey… I just wish I could accept defeat when it blatantly stares back at me.
Damn you determination and denial.

Healing Eyes

Reruns

I dread tomorrow.
I remember the tv show House where there was the best friend who played an oncologist. His office looks nothing like ours, and I remember the episode where the oncologist is diagnosed with cancer and refuses chemo because he knows how painful it is.
Our doctor visit is nothing like House.
Our cure doesn’t come in a hour long episode. We have no magic tv cure. It’s not lupus.

Stay tuned for a rerun episode as chemo will most likely be the treatment..but maybe a twist of radiation.

Healing Eyes

Fire swamp

We are trapped in the fire swamp, trying to find our way thru the trees and dangerous fire bursts. There is a phenomenon called snow sand, you can’t see it very well while walking but the instant your foot touches it your are engulfed. It is a slow suffocation as you fall for what seems an eternity to the bottomless pit. The grains of Sand are so fine that it feels like snow, so you don’t notice it’s silently suffocating you by filling in your ears and nostrils and the instant you open your mouth for air it will consume you.

Our feet have slipped and the snow sand has taken us, it was a quick fall and as hard as we spread our arms out to slow the fall we still plummet. As I scream out for help my lungs fill quickly.
But then a vine is tossed in and it’s just within my grasp, I reach and reach because I know I must live on…we both must live on. Slowly I pull and pull, fighting back the sand. Once on the surface, air doesn’t come easily, it’s a feeling of death and dreaming.

It’s a suffocation of grief and fear consuming us. The fear of traveling thru this fire swamp is immense, the sands are always there and strike fast. Each time we rise and clasp tightly to each other until the spasms of fear subside.

Fear and time are now our enemy. Too much fear and not enough time.

But today we have each other to fight the journey ..tomorrow we have friends and family to throw a vine…and the next day is just the next day, it holds the unknown…

Fighting the fear is the hardest battle
Next is the cancer
And finally the future that we can never predict is always looming.

Healing Eyes

Beads

20121218-204524.jpg

We went to Gilda’s club and did the gemstone bead class. It was….interesting…awkward…and small.
The class fills up fast but there were only 4 older ladies there. Lots of beads, so I can’t complain, it was kinda fun.
We walk in the door, me and andy, one guy in a room with beads… It wasn’t a structured class, just grab and string the beads.
I’m not thinkin ill do it again, it always feels odd going to Gilda’s..it’s like we don’t belong.. Even though andy has cancer it still feels forced to be there.

Ah sigh…stress level 9.4…

Healing Eyes

Miko birthday

This recliner is amazing. It truly is a cloud! I should have bought two of them.

Next steps…December 26 meet with oncologist for chemo and see gastric doc to get the feeding tube removed!

Andy has been eating great. Last two days were all real food so he’s had pizza, egg sandwich, bacon, noodles, ravioli, oh and too many cookies (causes the shakes so I’m gonna have to monitor the intake).
All in all with the holidays and cancer still looming above us we are alive and breathing. Even if it is hard days ahead, I suppose that’s our normal.

Oh miko turned 7 today ! Happy birthday little girl, enjoy your Kamari ball.

20121215-203540.jpg

Healing Eyes

Cozy

Thank you Doug and Rick.
The chair fits awesome and the room is entirely new and homey.
Even though I almost lost the chair out the back of the truck on the highway it made it safe and sound.
It’s relieves Andy’s pain and will help with his recovery over the next months of treatments.

20121207-131217.jpg

Healing Eyes

Odd world

How odd can one life get…hmmm let’s see.
How about having a hospital bed delivered to your house at 6 in the evening. Now that’s service!
Our living room is a bedroom, our dining room has a tree in it and our toilet is slightly broken.
Yoshi won’t eat and I have to pick up a recliner tomorrow. And bring yoshi to the vet.
Yup ok our life is odd right now.

20121206-184735.jpg

Healing Eyes

Home

We r home.
Sry for late blog but we got released Tuesday afternoon.
It was a ruff night but we survived and the first nurse visit happened today.
Still working on keeping the pain under control and learning how to do the tube feedings at night.

Tiring day…so short and sweet

Healing Eyes
123